"I'm going to get wasted," senior quarterback Dennis Bakke shouted at the top of his lungs as he triumphantly hugged his teammates and coaches.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, the impossible has happened. After 35 consecutive losses, supposedly the longest losing streak in the history of Division I sports, the sprint football team won a game, defeating the Rowland Heights Raiders, 24-21, last night in the O.C.
For those of you who live in a cave, Rowland Heights is a member of the Orange County Junior All-American Football League. Translation — it's a team full of eightto 10-year-olds. This is no ordinary team, however, as it is coached by legendary rap artist Snoop Dogg.
While it might seem that the Raiders (9-0 entering the game) have a huge talent advantage over Princeton (0-6 entering), this was their first and only game against college competition. Still, going into the game the Raiders were four-point favorites according to the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas.
When asked why he scheduled the Tigers, Dogg barked, "fo shizzle we needed some real competizzle dizzle."
Real competizzle it was.
Rowland Heights was led by quarterback Spanky Dogg. After Princeton went for it on fourth down from their own 11-yard line and failed, Spanky scored on a QB draw to tie the game at 7-7 at halftime.
When asked why he went for it on fourth down deep in his own territory, Princeton head coach Doo Hickey remarked, "have you seen us try to punt the ball this year?" No argument here.
Snoop Dogg berated his team for being tied at halftime with a clearly inferior team.
"You better go gansta — they can't beat us, so they're trying to cheat us! Dizzle!"
The Raiders opened a 21-7 lead early in the third, as Princeton buckled under the pressure of actually being in a game at halftime.
The Tigers were then rescued by the unlikliest of sources — the LAPD.
Police stormed the field and arrested Snoop Dogg for "smoking indo" and "sippin' on gin and juice."
Without their coach the Raiders were helpless on both sides of the ball. While a parent tried to take over the playcalling responsibility, Spanky Dogg was unable to understand play calls that did not end in "-izzle."
Bakke led the Tigers to 17 unanswered points and the Tigers' first win in . . . well, let's just say even Roger Hughes had job security. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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