Top 10 Ways to Improve Princeton football
10. Botched field goals worth 4 points.
9. Boosters.
8. Bribes.
7. Real tackling dummies instead of clown punching bags.
6. A greater sense of urgency when playing for the Sawhorse Dollar.
5. Find a better trophy to play for.
4. One week camping retreat with sprint football team to share success stories.
3. Add a scantily clad Dance Team.
2. No Friday precept.
1. Cut the program.
Top 10 Ways to Improve Princeton basketball
10. Missed three-pointers worth 4 points.
9. Free student attendance.
8. Add a scantily clad Dance Squad.
7. 25-point Rock 'n Jock basketball hoop.
6. Stop playing in an airplane hanger.
5. Get racing dogs at halftime or at least the ones that catch frisbees.
4. Free bath with Princeton player with purchase of ticket.
3. A team trip to Rialtos.
2. A hair dresser.
1. Eliminate academic standards.
Top 10 Things Heard in Jadwin Gym
10. "You're new here? Yeah, yeah, your office is on the F level."
9. "Why are only six people here?"
8. "They're never going to feel that way about you, Dean Fred."
7. "Tickle Me El-Nokali."
6. "If Gadowsky calls, I'm not here."
5. "Is there anything fluffier than a cloud?"
4. "How can I get one of those T-shirt guns?"
3. "This wasn't worth the walk."
2. "Guys, we're out of toilet paper. Where's the 'Prince'?"
1. "Remember when LeBron was here?" This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's 2005 Joke Issue.
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