We here at the 'Prince' are dedicated to covering varsity athletics at Princeton, whether that is basketball, baseball, squash or streaking. Streaking? Let me explain.
I was sitting in Abnormal Psychology lecture on Tuesday in my usual post-lunch haze, when my friend Beth interrupted my beauty sleep. "There's going to be a surprise during class," she whispered.
Suddenly four individuals opened the door to Friend 101 and began to walk very calmly down the stairs. They ambled past Litchman, handing him a note in the process, and then walked back up the other set of stairs and out of the room.
Oh, they were naked, by the way.
Litchman was kind enough to read the note to us, which informed him and the rest of us that these people were members of the Princeton Varsity Streaking Team. It also informed us that because of inclement weather, these were the only four members who could make it to this particular "meet."
What would you refer to these as? Are they meets, games, competitions, events, matches? We're going to need some clarification.
Just like that Princeton can now boast a 39th varsity sport. It was also very close to being the first coed team, but Audrey Pang gave wrestling that distinction earlier this year. I'm sure that Director of Athletics Gary Walters '67 is very proud.
This got me thinking. Imagine if they held competitions down at the football stadium. I wouldn't be surprised if the streaking team drew more fans than the football team itself.
In addition, similar to all varsity sports on campus, we should crown an Ivy League champion in streaking. So, the obvious solution is to have an Ancient Eight Streaking Tournament. I've taken it upon myself to predict the results of this competition and crown an Ivy League champion in the process.
So, without further ado, here are my predictions for the first ever Ancient Eight Streaking Tournament.
8. Cornell
This one has a very easy explanation. The Big Red finish last due to a sheer lack of good looking people.
* One exception is my buddy Michael Gordan Nute who vehemently opposes Cornell's placement on this list.
7. Dartmouth
The Dartmouth team actually doesn't show up because of a permanent shrinkage problem. Like Litchman said in class yesterday, "mother nature is just not nice to some people during the wintertime."
Still, the Big Green come in seventh because no nudity is better than Cornell nudity.
6. Penn
The Quakers would have actually finished third in the competition, but Ivy League officials disqualified many of Penn's players because they scored too low on their SAT's and because they were unable to correctly spell their own last names.
5. Columbia
The Lions were buried in last place heading into the final round of the competition as their leading player was out with her boyfriend. At the last minute, however, the super-sophomore from northern Virginia, one of the top-rated players in the league, showed up and singlehandedly carried the Lions into fifth place.
4. Yale
I have no real justification for putting the Elis in this position, but they finish behind Harvard in everything else, and I have no reason to think things would be any different this time.
3. Harvard
With the most "Richards" in the Ivy League, the Crimson finish a respectable third in the tournament. [Editor's Note: "Richards" was not my original choice.]
2. Princeton
With all of Terrace and 'Prince' editor-in-chief Zach Goldfarb leading the way, the Tigers struggled on the first day of competition. On the second day, Princeton went to its bench and replaced Goldfarb with Disiac and BodyHype — they are already used to taking off their clothes in public.
1. Brown
The Bears take home the Ivy League streaking title, and the reasoning comes down to simple math. Brown's entire student body shows up to the competition, overwhelming the other schools in attendance.
So after an exciting weekend of competition the Bears take the crown and the glory that comes with it. The only question left to answer is where they will put their varsity letters.
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