Guide to the NBA's Eastern Conference

On Wednesday I went to the U-Store to buy the NBA preview edition of Slam magazine — about the extent of the research I do for any of these columns. I brought it to the register with the cash.

"Would you like a bag?" cashier lady said.

"No, I'm okay," I said as I went to tuck the receipt away in my wallet.

"Let's put the receipt in the magazine, just to be safe," she said.

I looked around. It's Fall Break. The store is completely empty. I'm 30 feet from the door.

"I just don't want you to get hassled," she said.

Again, I looked. Oh, that's right. I forgot about the security task force that would bust through the windows as I tried to make my getaway.

"You know, you could vouch for me if I get hassled," I said.

She laughed. There are too many jokes here.

We are only two days away from the start of one of the most compelling NBA seasons to date, and that means one thing: it's time to make brazen predictions about each team's chances that will probably all be wrong. We'll start with the Eastern Conference.

15. Charlotte Bobcats

Coach: Bernie Bickerstaff

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Starters: Emeka Okafor, Tamar Slay, Primoz Brezec, Teen Wolf, Air Bud

Outlook: Not only is "Bobcats" the worst name in sports, but they are pinning their hopes on an undersized rookie power forward with back problems (Okafor).

And their colors? Orangish-red and purple. Their predecessor, the Hornets, wore aqua and purple. Apparently they let five-year olds pick the team colors in Charlotte.

Prediction: 9-73, 5th Southeast. 14. Atlanta Hawks

Coach: Mike Woodson

Starters: Antoine Walker, Al Harrington, Jason Collier, Josh Childress, Kenny Anderson

Outlook: The buzz from camp: Harrington is the next big thing. . . .

How are the Falcons doing?

Prediction: 23-59, 4th Southeast. 13. Chicago Bulls

Coach: Scott Skiles!

Starters: Tyson Chandler, Eddy Curry, Luol Deng, Andres Nocioni, Kirk Hinrich

Outlook: Their oldest starter is a 24-year old Argentian rookie. One other starter is a rookie. Another is a second-year player. One is younger than I am. Three of them didn't go to college. Two of them don't know how to spell "college." People are still waiting for Curry and Chandler to "break out" — in hives, most likely.

Sounds like a winner.

Prediction: 25-57, 5th Central. One Piece Short 12. New Jersey Nets

Coach: Baby Huey

Starters: Eric Williams, Richard Jefferson, Jason Collins, Ron Mercer, Travis Best

Outlook: Wow! I mean . . . wow! Kerry Kittles is gone, Kenyon Martin is gone, Jason Kidd is out with knee surgery and pining for a trade. But hey, I'm sure Jefferson can carry the team. I mean, Best and Collins are adequate replacements, right?

Next thing for Nets' fans to look forward to: the move to Brooklyn.

Prediction: 29-53, 5th Atlantic. 11. Washington Wizards

Coach: Eddie Jordan, botched lab clone of Michael.

Starters: Kwame Brown, Antawn Jamison, Brendan Haywood, Larry Hughes, Gilbert Arenas

Outlook: They just gave Etan "That's 'Nate' Backwards" Thomas a six-year $37 million dollar contract, and you want me to keep a straight face here?

Prediction: 34-48, 3rd Southeast. 10. Milwaukee Bucks

Coach: Terry Porter

Starters: Joe Smith, Keith Van Horn, Dan Gadzuric, Michael Redd, Mike James

Outlook: Meh.

Prediction: 36-46, 4th Central. 9. Toronto Raptors

Coach: Sam Mitchell

Starters: Chris Bosh, Vince Carter, Loren Woods, Jalen Rose, Rafer Alston

Outlook: Oh Canada! The last star left on the last team you have is spitting on every street corner in Toronto. The NHL is locked out. Hey, the Argonauts are still in the CFL playoffs.

Still, this team is sexy. Skillwise, I mean. Ahem.

Prediction: 39-43, 4th Atlantic. Playoff Teams 8. Orlando Magic

Coach: Johnny Davis

Starters: Dwight Howard, Grant Hill, Kelvin Cato, Cuttino Mobley, Steve Francis

Outlook: There are a lot of "ifs" here that will make or break the season. If Howard is the real deal, if Hill keeps all his body parts attached to each other, if Francis doesn't go into whiny mode, if the fires of hell consume the earth . . .

Prediction: 42-40, 3rd Southeast. 7. Lebron

Coach: Paul Silas

Starters: Drew Gooden, Lebron, Zydrunas Ilgauskas, Eric Snow, Jeff McInnis

Outlook: This team is one breakout player away from the playoffs and one drug arrest away from total disaster — McInnis is nasty and will alleviate a lot of pressure on Lebron, who'll get to play forward exclusively instead of the more-taxing, every position on the floor. This will also give him more energy to play with his baby, who remains nameless.

Prediction: 43-39, 3rd Central. 6. Philadelphia 76ers

Coach: Jim O'Brien

Starters: Kenny Thomas, Glenn Robinson, Samuel Dalembert, Willie Green, Allen Iverson

Outlook: I don't know. I don't care. I'm falling asleep just thinking about this team. Willie Green?

Prediction: 44-38, 3rd Atlantic. 5. Boston Celtics

Coach: Doc Rivers

Starters: Raef LaFrentz, Paul Pierce, Mark Blount, Ricky Davis, Gary Payton

Outlook: If this lineup actually shows up, that's a solid five in the East. LaFrentz's knee is made of K'NEX, Davis is trying to take Rasheed Wallace's place as the league's biggest headcase, and Payton is so far removed from where he expected to be after joining the Lakers last year, that we may see him smoking weed with Ricky Williams when Boston's season starts tomorrow.

Prediction: 46-36, 2nd Atlantic. 4. New York Knicks

Coach: Lenny Wilkens

Starters: Kurt Thomas, Tim Thomas, Nazr Mohammed, Jamal Crawford, Stephon Marbury

Outlook: Someone has to win the Atlantic, even if it is with 45 wins. New York is the team best tooled to do so. As much as I hate Marbury (I still have an old Wolves jersey of his that's waiting in line on my list of "Things to Ritualistically Burn"), he and Crawford in the backcourt is scary. The Thomases have enough left to win the inside battle in the soft division. They can't win the East, but they'll get the No. 3 seed.

Prediction: 48-34, 1st Atlantic. Title Contenders 3. Miami Heat

Coach: Stan Van Gundy

Starters: Rasual Butler, Udonis Haslem, Eddie Jones, Dwayayayne Wade, Shaq

Outlook: Shaq in the West was bad enough. Shaq in the East is a one-man ticket to 50 wins. Throw in Wade and they've got 55 wins. Throw in the rest of the Morlocks on this team, and they won't last six games in a series against either Indiana or Detroit.

Prediction: 56-26, 1st Southeast. 2. Indiana Pacers

Coach: Rick Carlisle

Starters: Jermaine O'Neal, Ron Artest, Jeff Foster, Reggie Miller, Jamaal Tinsley

Outlook: O'Neal and Artest is the best frontcourt in the East. Beyond that, we've got trouble. Foster's already hurt, Reggie was alive the last time the Red Sox won the World Series, and Tinsley lost his job at point guard to Kenny Anderson last season. Kenny Anderson!

The Pacers got screwed by this realignment thing. They're in the same division with the Pistons. They'll probably finish 2-5 games behind the Pistons — who will have the best record in the conference — yet Indiana will do no better than the fourth seed in that scenario, meaning they'll have to play Detroit in the second round.

Prediction: 59-23, 2nd Central. 1. Detroit Pistons

Coach: Bad Bad Larry Brown

Starters: Rasheed Wallace, Tayshaun Prince, Ben Wallace, Richard Hamilton, Chauncey Billups

Outlook: It's easy to pick them to repeat. Everyone's back, they made the Lakers look like practice dummies in the Finals last year, and they picked up Antonio McDyess (who is risky as a starter, gold as a backup).

As Rasheed Wallace said, the only question is who are they going to play in the finals . . .

Find out tomorrow in the Western Conference preview.

Prediction: 64-18, 1st Central.