And the 'Prince' saw color, that it was good: and the 'Prince' separated the color from the darkness.
Ya, you betcha! It's Pierce in living color. Well, not here, but if you happen to be one of the lucky folk to stumble upon today's color edition of this publication, you will see what I'm talking about. We're moving to color next semester, and I get to christen the flashy new sports page.
That's right. I now have skin tone. I now have confidence. There are so many people to thank.
I've been away for a couple weeks, gathering thoughts and preparing for the fabulous transition to technicolor. Desperate for a gimmick to properly package all these musings, I've decided to label this column "Free Kicks," to honor both the women's soccer team's run to the Final Four and the bruises I have on my shins as a result of the tempestual rage of the razor sharp stillettos of the girlfriends of yore.
Free Kick the First
The NBA. What the hell? Let's recap the first month. The Sonics, whom I picked to finish last in the West, are 13-2 and on pace to be the second-winningest team in NBA history. Elsewhere, Phoenix is 11-2 behind the Resurrection of the Nash, the first-place team in the Atlantic Division is 6-6, the last-place team in the Northwest is 7-6, the Baby Bobcats have somehow managed to win three of 12 games already, the Clippers are ahead of the Lakers in the standings, and somewhere in the middle we had the War of the Worlds reinacted for us in Auburn Hills. I kept hoping for Orson Welles' voice to chime in over the PA and reassure us that this was all an act:
"You will be relieved, I hope, to learn we didn't mean it, and that the Palace of Auburn Hills is still open for business. So goodbye everybody, and remember the terrible lesson you learned tonight."
I'm not even ready to deal with any of this yet. We'll see how things sit at the end of December.
Free Kick the Second
Women's soccer. I mean, they're in the Final Four. Out of 301 Division I collegiate women's soccer programs, Princeton is in the top four. For comparison, men's basketball has 327 D-I programs. This isn't a regional thing. Soccer is huge and the Tigers are two wins away from reaching the pinnacle. If we all lived in England we'd be scheduling our lives — right down to the crumpets! — around these games.
Alas, we are in America, and the final three games of the tournament just happen to fall on the day after Thanksgiving and the days immediately before and after Winter Formals. They obviously don't have the Princeton fan in mind when they decide these things.
My favorite stat ever: the team is 19-0 when they score a goal. Even Hartmann can figure out that winning formula.
Free Kick the Third
Men's basketball. I suppose I should be encouraged that the Tigers managed to win a road game when shooting something like 4.05% from the floor against Lafayette. I'm down with the whole Joe Scott thing, too, but I don't see this translating into 15-point wins every night in the Ivy League. So calm down everyone. Princeton isn't going to the Final Four.
But then again, I picked the Sonics to finish last.
Free Kick the Fourth
Fired coaches. When is scoring 48 points not enough to keep your job? Answer: when you give up 58. That was the final score of the Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns game last weekend. Turns out it was too much for the Browns' organization as head coach Butch Davis "resigned under pressure" yesterday. In addition to being the least scary person named Butch ever, Davis went just 24-35 with Cleveland. I think they should reconsider, though. The real problem may be their hideous uniforms and complete lack of logo.
Also out is Ty Willingham, now-former head coach of Notre Dame football. This one I have to agree with in principle. How hard can it be to turn Notre Dame around? Doesn't every midwestern high school football player have at least some desire to go there? It should be like selling hard alcohol to perverted boys on prom night.
Free Kick the Fifth
The "Jeopardy" guy lost last night, and only about 30 episodes too late. After he finished that last season as the Winningest Jeopardy Dude Ever, that was enough for me. Then I just got frustrated because he was obviously smarter than me.
The only reason anyone watched was to see him go down in flames, though I'm not ruling out a rig job. (Wasn't it odd how many inept contestants he had the pleasure of facing? My favorite was the lady who would start giving a response before she buzzed in. She did this twice, both times making Trebek stop the game to explain perhaps the most basic rule in the entire game show genre. Throw in a sort of spacey, lobotomized personality, and I was convinced she was from Mars. This is a long parenthetical.)
In the Double Jeopardy round tonight there was a category called "Pro Sports Venues" that they all avoided like Friday precept. In the three answers they got to before time expired in the round, only one attempt at a response was given — "David," the latest Dude Who Has No Business Being There, thought the Atlanta Braves played at the Turner Center. No, David. They don't name baseball fields "centers." But thank you for playing.
Color!
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