Searching for some amusement in a lousy tournament

And so after much whining about the snoozefest otherwise known as the 2004 NCAA men's basketball tournament, I was treated to two-thirds of a good Final Four.

Georgia Tech prevailed in a thrilling game against Oklahoma St. in the first semifinal, winning 67-65 courtesy of a layup (a layup!) by Will Bynum with 1.5 seconds remaining. I can't call it a buzzer-beater, but I also can't complain about a game like that.

Connecticut toppled Duke in what many were billing as the real championship game. The Blue Devils led 75-67 with three minutes, 28 seconds to go and seemed on their way (yawn) to another title game. But Shelden Williams had just fouled out a minute and a half before, and Shavlik Randolph fouled out 13 seconds later.

Without the two big men, Duke decided its best strategy would be to launch threes, miss them all and let the best team in the country back in the game. The Huskies capitalized, going on a 12-0 run before Chris Duhon's meaningless three-pointer (though it wasn't meaningless in Gamble Land, as that three covered the 2.5-point spread and resulted in the exchange of somewhere between 30 and 100 million dollars) at the buzzer.

That's right. I finally got my buzzer-beater, and it had no effect on the outcome of the game.

I don't even want to talk about the championship game. It was just awful. Georgia Tech had no rhythm. Maybe if they had started fouling at the 12-minute mark the Jackets would've had a chance. They actually ended the game on a nice run — 38-22 over the last 12:22 after being down by as many as 35. Thirty-five...in a championship game.

So this is my last week with easy fodder for a column, and rather than devote the space to a lengthy discussion on a game and tournament that I will soon be getting a lobotomy in order to forget about, I decided to unleash my First and Only Annual NCAA Tournament All-Look-Alike Team. There were many candidates, and I probably left some obvious ones out, but I had certain criteria that had to be met.

1. It had to be a fairly big-name player. This arose mainly out of my own laziness and complete lack of desire to scour the rosters of all 64 teams looking for a perfect match.

2. The lookalike had to be a TV or movie personality known for a certain character and not for who they actually are. I just found this to be a lot more entertaining than finding lookalikes for boring people like Brad Pitt or George Bush.

3. Georgia Tech's Luke Schenscher had to be involved because as Boston Celtics' announcer Tommy Heinson might say, "I . . . love . . . SCHENSCHER."

Here is the squad. Please forgive our crude photo capabilities that have forced us to splash these pictures all over the page. 1. Kansas' Keith Langford and "Family Matters'" Waldo Faldo

Watching Langford play for Kansas this year, I thought he smacked of something. I found this picture at the Jayhawk website and it hit me: Waldo Faldo from "Family Matters." Who could forget Eddie Winslow's half-witted best friend? This one basically rides on the goofy smile, but their eyes and noses are also similar. Plus, both the Kansas basketball program and "Family Matters" have similar theme songs:

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"It's a rare condition, this day in age, to read any good news on the newspaper page . . . " There is potential for great reality television here with this pair. Keith Langford and Waldo Geraldo Faldo live in a one-bedroom apartment together in Cleveland for six weeks. Or you could put them in another bad cop movie with Martin Lawrence. Maybe a Celebrity Jeopardy show is in order with Langford, Faldo, and Mos Def. Perhaps Waldo Faldo and Nick Faldo could play in a Pro-Am together on the PGA Tour. Could Waldo and Urkel have a celebrity boxing match? What about Celebrity Poker with the Winslows? I really need to stop. 2. Texas' James Thomas and The Predator

This is not the best picture of Thomas to prove my case, but I have at least heard other people comment on this resemblance. The key feature here is the dreadlocked hair protruding from the sides and the nasty snarls often seen on their faces. I imagine if the Predator played hoops he'd be a high-socked big man rebounder just like Thomas, except that the Predator would eat people's stomachs. I would like to take this opportunity to discuss the stupidity of the sequel to a scary jungle movie that takes place in a big city. Do producers not realize that it is 1000 times less effective to set the movie in a city where there are millions of people and ample supplies to combat the creature? I just don't get as excited watching, say, a T-rex roam through the streets of San Diego as I do watching it stalk people on a deserted island where no help can possibly come. This is why I refused to watch the urban Predator movie in which the beast took Los Angeles. Plus, after watching an incredibly jacked military squadron consisting of Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura (yeah, Minnesota), and Carl Weathers struggle and slowly die off trying to kill this thing, I wasn't ready to believe that Danny Glover and Gary Busey could have the same convincing battle. 3. Georgia Tech's Luke Schenscher and "Sesame Street'"s Big Bird

Schenscher became the (totally platonic) object of my affection this tournament for winning the Zack Pierce Award for Best Big Lanky White Guy, but when I heard that opposing Atlantic Coast Conference fans refer to him as "Big Bird" in order to distract him during road games, I couldn't resist. Both he and the "Sesame Street" icon are tall, yellow, and, um, Australian. Is it insulting to be compared to a character from "Sesame Street?" I haven't decided yet. Maybe in junior high it would've been. Besides, Big Bird is a hero to millions of children across America, at least in my generation. Maybe that's a spot where they differ. In 30 years people will remember Big Bird.

Has Schenscher even heard of Big Bird? Has "Sesame Street" gone international? I would definitely pay good money for a photo of Schenscher dunking over the cute yellow bird, letting out a primal scream as the ball smashes Big Bird in the face. But that's just me. 4. Duke's Nick Horvath and "The Addams Family'"s Lurch

Horvath is a Minnesota product, but, sadly, he is ugly and reminds me of Lurch, the lovable butler from the "Addams Family" TV series and movies. The old TV Lurch is shown here. Why choose this one? I didn't feel it made a whole lot of difference. Both Lurches have the same long face, crooked features and ogreish persona of Horvath. Who wins in a street fight? I have lost sleep over this just as you have. Lurch has height, but I feel Horvath wins on athleticism and guile. Either way, I implore the film industry to consider Horvath when they make "Addams Family 3: Lurch's Revenge."

5. Connecticut's Ben Gordon and "Star Trek'"s Dr. Spock

You may have noticed these likenesses getting progressively worse as we go along. Perhaps this is my biggest stretch, but I do think Gordon has Spock-like qualities. They both have pointy ears, narrow eyes and similar haircuts. Gordon has that sort of "wise older man" demeanor about him that characterizes Spock. And both play second banana to a comparatively-overhyped star (Gordon to Emeka Okafor, Spock to Captain Kirk). How would Gordon fare as a Vulcan? Maybe I don't want to know the answer to this one. Let's keep him on the basketball court and out of the entertainment black hole that is the new wave of "Star Trek" series.

And one last thing about the Huskies while we're on the subject: would anyone in the other half of the bracket have been able to hang with them? St. Joseph's? Please. Oklahoma St? Maybe for a bit. Kentucky? Not enough talent. Gonzaga? I laugh at you. Pittsburgh? So bad. Liberty?! Probably could've kept it under 40. Princeton? They smart. That does it for the First and Only Annual NCAA Tournament All-Look-Alike Team. If you have any recommendations for additions to this list please let me know, and I will print the best ones next time. I like getting email. I need a friend.

And now I officially put this year's tourney to bed and not a moment too soon. Thank goodness for ESPN Classic, the 24-hour sports goosebump.