Dancing etiquette for all Astaire hopefuls

Everyone knows that girls love to dance. But dancing with guys? Well, that's more complicated. So, gentlemen, before you shake it like a Polaroid picture, here are some pointers to keep you from committing murder on the dance floor. After all, you wouldn't want her to think you're toxic, would you?

First, my friend "Jerry" has some questions that have remained unanswered for his three and a half years at Princeton, despite a vibrant social life and much success with women.

"When can you dance with a girl?" Jerry wonders. "Does the time of night matter? Can you just walk up to her if she's already on the dance floor? What if the dancing gets a little steamy? How do you know if the girl wants to hook up or is just a freak on the dance floor? What about erections? Do girls notice them? Do they matter?"

Whoa. Sounds like for guys, dancing is inexorably entwined with hooking up. Girls generally consider dancing and hooking up to be very different activities. This divergence of the male and female mindset brings us to the first lesson, which is: when a girl consents to dance with you, it does not, not, NOT necessarily mean she wants to go home with you or even kiss you. Sorry.

Time of night doesn't matter in terms of what a girl will think of you (though as everyone knows, the chances of hooking up with your partner skyrocket as the evening wears on). But have you noticed how it's mostly girls on the dance floor early on in the evening? Guys, this is your chance to set yourself apart from the beer-swilling pack in the taproom. If you know her, and she is not already dancing with a boy, you can go up to a girl on the dance floor and start dancing. If she is a perfect stranger, then it would be weird to do that and her vigilant friends will inevitably "rescue" her from you.

Be aware of the "rescue" tactic, a maneuver in which one girl cuts in on you and another girl and the girls start dancing with each other, leaving you out. This is your cue to skedaddle before you make a fool of yourself by trying to dance with other girls in the group. Guy friends should be alert, too. When I want to be rescued, I reach my hand out behind my unwanted partner's back and start groping wildly around in the air, a clear signal to my ever-gallant male friends to pull me away ASAP. One of my craftier, more self-sufficient girlfriends deliberately sways her hips the opposite way from the guy's. She swears that this technique unfailingly makes guys mysteriously get bored and leave.

The most polite way to acquire a partner is the way you learned when you were 12 at dancing school: Go up to a girl who is not dancing (catch her gently by the arm if she is heading the other way), and ask her if she would like to dance. Naturally, if you're good friends, you can be more casual: "I love this song! We have to go dance!"; "Save me a dance later tonight!"; etc.

About the actual dancing. Watch guys who look cool dancing. Watch guys who look like they're successfully dancing with girls and copy them. Variations on the slow dance (faster/slower wiggling/swaying, with your partner safely in your arms) are a dependable fallback, especially if you just want to be with the girl.

One of my junior girlfriends hates it when guys dance "really low"— as in, a twist-like, how-low-can-you-go move that involves bending one's knees to the point of squatting.

"No one can do it gracefully. You just look like a freak," she remarked.

"The worst thing ever," sophomore "Lucy" said, "is when some sketchball comes up and latches onto you from behind," and you can't see who it is. "They think they can just glom onto your ass without even knowing you!" she fumed.

Lucy's not unreasonable rule of thumb: "There should be eye contact before physical contact."

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Another obvious move to avoid is the drunken leg-hump. Pseudo-sex on the dance floor is not the best idea for a few reasons. Inebriated yet confident guys who have forgotten their own strength are initially fun to whirl with, but often prove hazardous later. Centrifugal force is a great thing, unless it lands your partner in a bruised heap on the floor, where you flung her. Take it easy. Refrain from groping. Try to protect her from neighboring loose cannons, and appear slightly irritated if someone crashes into her (but it's not worth a fight). Be chivalrous.

One way to find out her desires in regards to hooking up ("whether she's just a freak on the dance floor") is to experimentally nuzzle or peck her ear, forehead or cheek. This does NOT mean sucking on her neck as if it were your last Popsicle of the summer or jabbing your tongue down her throat. Think romantic and sweet, not alarming and disgusting. Another thing to consider: is the song good? If she keeps dancing with you even though the music is bad or hard to dance to, it might be a sign she just likes being with you.

The dance floor can be fraught with embarrassment, but there really is no need to fret. Girls occasionally notice erections (probably not nearly as often as guys think they notice), but they don't matter. Your partner realizes that she's hot and that when your body is plastered against hers it would be unfair to expect superhuman control. If anything, she might be slightly amused. Perspiration, too, is undesirable but understandable. If you become sweaty, your partner, who is no doubt damp herself, would appreciate your suggestion of going out for a breath of fresh air or a beer (and take off a layer of clothing . . . it's amazing how many perspiring guys simply do not take off their sweaters).

The most important thing to remember about dancing is that 'tis better to dance than not to dance, even if you aren't good at it. I've danced with guys who had no sense of rhythm, stepped on my toes, dripped with sweat, whirled me until I was dizzy and collided with people, flipped me over their arm until I thought I'd die, and it was still fun. Distract your partner with an ingratiating grin. The best dancers are relaxed, happy and enthusiastic.

Look at it this way: If she loves the way you move, then maybe, just maybe, she'll want you to take her home tonight. You're livin' on a prayer, but at least you'll have had a good time no matter what happens with your dancing queen.