Princeton vs. Penn: It's just too easy

This yearly column is getting tougher and tougher to write. This whole thing is based on Penn making fun of Princeton and vice-versa. And no matter what we do, we're the ones who come off looking like jerks. We're like the bully who picks on the smallest, weakest, smelliest kid on the playground.

I mean, what can we talk about where we don't come off looking arrogant? Does the orator mock the man with a lisp? Does the sprinter mock the man with no legs? I think not. But that is what we are being asked to do.

I'll explain.

One thing we would normally brag about is the general prestige of our University. And we don't really even have to brag about that — others do it for us.

When I tell people I go to Princeton, they usually respond with flattering statements such as, "Wow! That is such a great school, you must be so smart!" Sometimes they say, "Princeton? You mean the No. 1 school in the country as voted on by every respectable publication known to man?" Or better yet, "I am not worthy. Would you please father my children?"

This is all very flattering, but you guys don't get those sorts of compliments. I was hanging out in the ghetto known as Philadelphia the other day (eating cheesesteaks — the one thing your city is good for) and I overheard an interesting conversation. An elder gentleman asked a college-age kid where he went to school. The lad replied, "Penn."

The elder gentleman, without missing a beat, replied, "Oh, that sucks. Don't worry, Princeton says 'no' to a lot of people."

Now, in my book, that is just downright mean. And we would be jerks if we mocked you for having no prestige. So we can't. And we won't.

Another thing we might otherwise brag about is our campus. We have beautiful gothic architecture and buildings dating back to the middle of the 18th century. I'm sure you all saw it when you toured here.

The architecture, of course, just highlights the rest of the beauty of our campus. There are postcards made of our University, its buildings, its trees, its towers. Your campus looks like Attica. Though I have a feeling the prisoners there would not take kindly to that comparison.

So we really don't feel right about comparing our campus to yours.

Of course, the one thing we would normally be most proud of is our academic reputation. But again, that's like comparing apples to month-old milk.

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And it isn't that you guys aren't trying. You just recently hired a new President to head your "University." Unfortunately, it was our 35th-ranking administrator. Rumor has it that you are now looking to hire a new Dean of Admissions. Might we suggest someone from our custodial staff? (That was advice, not mocking. We are committed to taking the highroad in this article).

Even beyond prestige, you really can't compare classes and general academics. Do you realize that athletes are required to go to class at some schools and can come out of high school and not junior college? You probably did not realize that. I remember the press release last year where Ugonna Onyekwe didn't come with four letters of spelling his last name right. Can you say (and spell), "state school?"

So with all the things we would feel too terrible to brag about, I guess the one thing we can talk about is basketball. To be honest, you guys can actually say something on this front. You have, after all, beaten us four straight times. That is quite an accomplishment — both that you could win those games and count to four!

But let's not get carried away. You guys are 2-2 in the Ivies this year, and we are 4-0 and just barely cracking the surface of our potential. So, we're sorry to say, your short-lived reign as league champion will end this year. Get ready for a thrashing tonight.

Oh, and go all out with your spring break plans, you won't have any basketball games to attend. But watch for us on TV. We promise we'll wave to you.