What's cookin' at Charter, Cloister, Cap

Let us reiterate that our purpose is not to insult your food, judge your company, outrage your staff or offend your mother. However, we are doing everything your mother advised you not to do: we are judging a book by its cover, eating three helpings of dessert and making someone else wash our dirty dishes.

We are merely two JP-procrastinating rebels without a cause, trying to discuss a crucial aspect of the Street that is too often overlooked in the midst of Bicker, sign-ins and Saturday night chaos. We have visited each of the clubs in the past and are currently in the progress of visiting the clubs twice more and tallying the opinions of members, which is more fairness than what professional phantom gourmets offer their victim establishments.

Food ratings are on a scale from one to five paws. For example, One paw: Go directly to the dining hall. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars. Five paws: I'm in heaven! But wait, I'm still in New Jersey.

Cap and Gown

Dress Code: Men: Short buzz-cuts complimented with lots of muscles and the ability to eat Mr. T under the table. Ever wonder where all those athletes who used to take three plates and five glasses at the dining hall ended up? Women: Dressed ready for dinner practice and/or beach volleyball.

Décor & Atmosphere: The men are tough, the women are cool and they all get along in a way that would make the cast of Happy Days jealous. There is the option of eating in four different dining rooms, which makes the atmosphere cozy and relaxed. The formal dining room offers traditional club dining, while the sunroom, living room dining area and outdoor dining patio remind us of the wonderfully glamorous life we lead, being in a "Private Club for Only Members and Guests."

Cleanliness: The dining areas are clean and pleasant. Interestingly, Cap, along with TI, consists of an elite consortium of clubs that own only disposable cups.

Hours: Shorter than for most clubs, with lunches from 11:30 to 1:15, dinners from 6:00-7:30 on weekdays and 5:30-7:00 on weekends.

Food Rating (out of five paws): 1.5. We'd hoped to either confirm or deny the urban legend about "Hot Pocket Night" at Cap, but unfortunately came up short in that department. However, we think we've had the large ricotta stuffed shells they served at Mathey dining hall before. We know for a fact we've had the potatoes au gratin at Mathey dining hall before. As for the assorted steamed vegetables, we're not sure how they were able to hijack the frozen bags of carrots and broccoli stored in the dining hall refrigerator vaults. Fortunately at this particular meal, the members took matters into their own hands by starting a BBQ on the back lawn. Desserts were reminiscent of snack time back in the days of recess, and we were more than happy to rekindle our lost relationships with the Keebler Elves.

Cloister Inn

Dress Code: Your favorite boaters vs. floaters T-shirt, wet hair and athletic shorts.

Décor & Atmosphere: The downstairs dining room complete with stucco pillars, a tapestry and iron chandeliers was the type of medieval setting where you could imagine an armed brigade charging in at any minute.

A brigade from Jadwin did in fact burst in while we were eating at around 6:30 wearing matching armor of boathouse jackets, which signaled the end of practice. The French doors let in pleasant amounts of sunlight, but didn't quite make us forget that we were in a basement.

Cleanliness: Mom would be proud.

Hours: 11:30-1:30 for lunch and 5:30-7:30 for dinner.

Food Rating (out of five paws): 3. The dinner and lunch fares are hearty American meals with a Bistro-like touch and the buffet style meals were served by staff members.

After an enjoyable meal of BBQ chicken, roasted potatoes, and string beans, we were glad that we'd saved room for the wide array of cookies, goo-filled chocolates, croissants and doughnuts. The hearty soups, salad bar, pasta bar and buffet of braided breads that would make Martha Stewart jealous were a nice addition for those either bulking up or cutting weight. We won't lie; we were eyeing the untouched Passover wine all throughout dinner.

Charter

Dress code: Comfortable shoes, because you'll need them to make the hike out to the farthest eating club on the Street. Week-old outfits will also help you blend in with the engineers who have been a.) stuck in car lab b.) stuck in machine shop c.) stuck in the Friend Center d.) playing Counter Strike and forgot to change.

Décor and Atmosphere: The imposing, gray and black façade alludes to a time when men were men and the secret formula to the goodness that is Milwaukee's Best had not yet been invented.

The spacious front atrium and the grand staircase add impressive touches to the interior as well. In the same spirit, most dinners are served to members as they walk by the servery or brought to their tables. Classy monogrammed china and heavy engraved silverware bearing the Charter insignia will no doubt be a favorite target for pilfering come graduation time.

Cleanliness: Dining areas are always brightly lit and clear of the usual beer fumes that pervade so many other clubs. Hours: Breakfast: 7:30-10 a.m., Lunch: 11:30 a.m.-1:30 p.m., Dinner: 5:30-7:30 p.m. sharp! That goes for all meals. If you're late, you starve. If you stay late, be prepared to defend yourself against a torrent of verbal abuses from the kitchen managers.

Food Rating (out of five paws): 4. The lunches sampled consisted of hoagies and pizza. Prepackaged ice cream bars are a staple as well as chocolate chip cookies the size of your head. Members profess that most Charter dinners make the walk over worthwhile. A choice of two to three gourmet entrees, such as grilled salmon salad, stuffed shrimp ravioli and roast turkey, are the norm for most nights. A pasta bar is a good alternative for those who prefer something less exotic. But what is dinner without the food-for-thought that comes with it? Conversations often cover a wide range of subjects such as calculus: "Hey! Remember in Physics 105!! The sin of the cosine!!" (followed by general laughter); and pertinent developments in modern sociology: "If I were filling out that underwear survey, I'd definitely go with white because it gives a girl an air of innocence."