Oil, alcohol, and a Penn win

Now I may go to Penn, but I do know a couple of things. Literally.

The first is that motor oil is not flammable.

The second is that alcohol is flammable.

Alcohol, like that (allegedly) served illegally by two former presidents of Princeton's most famous of institutions: eating clubs. For shame.

At least our alleged criminals have the good grace to belong to a secret society, while Princeton's flaunt their wealth and status like Morgan and Rockefeller at an auction.

But the corruption doesn't stop with charges against the presidents and a couple of officers of said eating clubs; after all, more charges could be forthcoming, according to The Daily Princetonian's interview with Borough Police Lt. John Reading.

Who knew those fortresses of pretentiousness were just an outlet for your cocks of their respective walks to (allegedly, lawyers said that adding allegedly helps) serve up drinks to unsuspecting minors?

That being said, the (alleged) bad behavior of a few of our blue bloods has very little relevance to tonight's basketball game.

However, I would strongly encourage Princeton to spring some of its $107 trillion endowment for a hotel room and not force its (alleged) basketball team to spend a night in one of our dormitories. Since both the debate and basketball teams consist of people with below average physiques and athletic ability, the Tigers might not be safe, lest a roaming pledging event mistake them for their forensic brethren.

Mind you, I am talking around the game on purpose. Mainly, because it's over right now. I know who's going to win. Princetonians, bet all of Daddy's money on Penn. My advice also extends to John Thompson III, coach of the Princeton basketball team and son of Georgetown coaching legend John Thompson. Coach, find out which casino your dad liked and roll the dice. You won't regret it. This time next year, you too could be hanging out with Danny Ainge.

Penn won the two games last year by a combined 40 points.

Princeton's highlight of its season was a 75-foot three-pointer at the buzzer to beat Monmouth, 70-67. Penn beat Monmouth, 98-54. The 75-footer makes for a good highlight, a decisive win over the terrible team tends to prove who has the better talent. That would be Penn.

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Ugonna Onyekwe is the reigning Ivy League Player of the Year, and no one on Princeton can guard him. Koko Archibong is not, but the unguardable thing still applies. Should Princeton decide to surround the twin towers with a group of short guys, Penn's three-point shooters.

Princeton matches this assembled star player with Spencer Gloger. This guy could not make the worst UCLA team in two generations and yet is supposed to singlehandedly beat a Penn team that beat USC, 99-61 (immediately after the Trojans beat their archrival Bruins). John "Russell Crowe" Nash could imagine a better starting five than Princeton puts out there (at least his imaginary roommate was tall).

Princeton fans will inevitably return hom depressed, but at least you know Princeton's finest students will be serving 80-proof depression-reducers back in lovely central Jersey.

While we're on the topic of Jersey, does someone want to explain how you've managed to be in New Jersey and yet are near none of the things that make my home state awesome (namely: Philadelphia, New York City, the Shore, Six Flags and Freehold)?

What are your respective claims to fame again? Christie Todd Whitman used to live kind of near your school. You have an overrated ice cream shop. There's a Wegman's within a half-hour of campus. You have an overpriced hotel that George Washington may have slept in. Your students mocked Nash's mental disability when he wandered around (but then bragged about Ron Howard's movie). This is what you bring before me?

Anyway, as for the game, Princeton will probably make all six of its attempts from the floor and commit an unprecedented 38 shot clock violations.

Final score: Penn 71, Princeton 12.

But all is not lost, Princeton basketball team and fans. When you are at your lowest, Dr. Cornel "grade inflation at Harvard travels south" West will be there to give you an A++.