How to eat the entire 99 cent menu and not get sick

So Valentine's Day has come and gone. Chances are your friends took their dates to one of many upscale Princeton eateries on that day and you've heard all about them. Our little hamlet of Princeton is chock-full of posh restaurants with names only a French major could master; these restaurants will leave your wallet empty and your stomach even emptier. "Why, thank you, Pierre, the $30 grape leaf medley was fantastic."

What does one have to do in this town to get a filling meal for a cheap price? Never fear, Princetonians, for a little secret is nestled among the shops right across the street from historic Nassau Hall. That place is called Burger King, the home of the best value for your money in Mercer County.

Many of you may have been to this fine establishment before and had a value meal or a milkshake or something of the like, but I want to tell you about a different Burger King experience. If your life is peachy and you wear a smile most of the time, this article is not for you. I reach out to those who are tired of life and are looking to abuse themselves with food.

If this is you, meet the Burger King .99 cent menu challenge, as I did last week. A dozen items, $12, over 3000 calories, over 150 grams of fat and one ashamed and nauseous feeling when it's all over.

It is an orgy of greasy food, perhaps the ultimate in self-abuse. As disgusted with yourself as you will feel when all 12 items are in your stomach, there is a strange feeling of pride deep down beneath the artery-clogging cholesterol.

Want to take the challenge? There are a few things you need to do to prepare. First of all, I recommend stretching your stomach the morning of the event. This is a tactic used by many competitive eaters. Drink ludicrous amounts of water and urinate frequently.

Three hours before your attempt, stop drinking water, lie down and focus on the journey ahead in a Zen-like state. When the hour is upon, find a friend you trust — never do the challenge alone — and make the walk to Nassau Street.

Upon entering Burger King, I took in the ambience: the fluorescent lighting, the plastic seating, the cardboard promotional cutouts, realizing that all of these would look a little different to me with 150 grams of fat in my system.

Approaching the counter, pray that your Burger King employee speaks English, because I had a hard time explaining that I wanted the whole menu with my horrific Spanish skills (todos de las menuos, por favor).

When all the items are on their two trays, go find a secluded seat, preferably far away from distractions like Goth townies discussing what happens when we die or that creepy dude who is laughing at nothing.

I now give you my secrets to conquering the Burger King challenge. Begin, as I did, with the onion rings; pop them in quickly and avoid chewing. Take large bites, and it should go down smoothly.

Next comes the key to success: take the chili and mix in the fries, baked potato and chicken tenders. I found this concoction, if eaten quickly with one's nose plugged and never looked at, quite manageable.

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Next drink the soft drink, because your body will yearn, as mine did, for liquid after the 1110 mg of sodium in the chili alone, not to mention the salted fries or chicken tenders.

Lest you think this accomplishment is completely unwholesome, move on to your garden salad, a delightful medley of browning lettuce and frozen tomatoes.

At this point you too will be considering the sweet release of death, but dessert is yet to come. This is when you have to dig deep and transcend that sensation inside. Move to a higher plane and start on your sweet treats.

The cookies were surprisingly good at suppressing the nausea, but the same could not be said for the pies I tried: one of whipped cream and the other, a Dutch apple pie.

Downing these is an exercise in controlling the gag reflex. Probably smart at this point is to move close to the bathroom if you're not already there. If you actually make it through the pies, the only thing between you and glory is the vanilla shake.

Unfortunately, if there is one thing that you don't want at this point in the challenge, it is a creamy, sickly-sweet libation. The upside to the shake is that it comes up about the same as it goes down, something you'll be grateful for when you get back to your dorm.

You will be intoxicated from all the fat at this point, so get your friend to walk you home and give you water continuously for an hour or so. You will awake the next morning a new person, one who can wear the Burger King crown proudly and tell everyone: "I have completed the Burger King .99 cent challenge!"

Oh, and go thank your janitor for dealing with the mess you made.