Hughes denies embellishing resume

At an emotional press conference yesterday, filled with tears and shouts, Roger Hughes, the Charlie W. Caldwell Jr. '25 Head Coach of Football and Supreme Ruler of Those Lands Beyond the Sea, vociferously denied mounting allegations he fabricated credentials to become the 21st coach in Princeton history.

"Listen to me, you scheming fool. I didn't lie about anything, except when I told you my dog had died so I didn't have to talk to you on the phone again," Hughes said in response to a question from a Trenton Times reporter.

Hughes, an alumnus of Doane College, is a native of Crawford, Neb., which has a population of 1,115.

Hughes claimed to graduate summa cum laude from Doane with degrees in theoretical physics, African languages and literatures and calisthentics. According to Doane records, it appears Hughes graduated with a degree in liberal arts.

Doane does not have a physics department and the college's only class about Africa is a survey of Egyptian art.

Hughes also claimed to have received a Rhodes Scholarship and rowed Oxford's crew team to victory over Cambridge. That, too, appears to be false, as Doane's first Rhodes Scholar was chosen in 1998 (Hughes graduated in 1982).

After finishing his M. Phil in neuroscience, Hughes went on to lead the United Kingdom to victory at the Los Angeles Olympics in six-man rowing and also was the head football coach at Eastern South Dakota St.

Trouble is, there is no Eastern South Dakota St., Hughes is not a British citzen and the United States won the gold medal in the six-man that season.

President Shirley Tilghman expressed "concern" at the situation. In a statement, she said, "Roger Hughes has been a fine Charlie W. Caldwell Jr. '25 Head Coach of Football and Supreme Ruler of Those Lands Beyond the Sea and Duke of Torino at Princeton University, and we hope he will continue to lead our football team with dignity, candor, and humility.

"We cannot, however, help but to be concerned at recent allegations about his background, which seem to have some truth."

Hughes, who is also the Crown Prince of Wessex and the Lord of Essex, is refusing to back down. Sources who wished to remain anonymous confirm that he may be near a nervous breakdown.

"Well, I saw him crying behind a clipboard at the last 'voluntary practice,' which was in violation of the seven-week moratorium," the team's waterboy, Paul Connell, said. "But that isn't what this is about, is it?"

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At the end of the press conference, Hughes said, "I'm the Charlie coach or something," affecting an English accent. "That means I can do whatever the hell I want."

After that statement, he quickly fled the room, followed by Craig Sachson and the rest of his entourage.

If Hughes is fired, perhaps he could return to the Midwest. Vikings head coach Mike Tice announced that he had an opening at wide receivers coach, where Hughes would have an opportunity to coach alongside former Boston College coach George O'Leary, a friend and mentor of Hughes.