Dartmouth contracted by Ivy League, Penn may be next up

NEW YORK — After a six-hour meeting last night, the Ivy Group presidents voted 7-1 to expel Dartmouth College from the athletics league, effective immediately.

Yale's Richard Levin said, "We have known for some time that the Ivy League had grown too big. And Dartmouth was the logical choice for contraction. Their mascot is the Big Green — I mean, how pathetic is that?

"And they're way the hell up there in Podunk, Vermont. Or is it New Hampshire? Who cares, there's no difference anyway."

Dartmouth officials were unavailable for comment, although a drunken frat boy yelled something about Jay Fiedler to this correspondent.

Before last night's meetings, Ivy observers predicted that other schools might be up for contraction, but the elimination of Dartmouth's swimming program seemed to swing the vote.

"Honestly, we were damn scared," Ruth Simmons, Brown's jefe, said. "We don't have any requirements or grades or professors, and not many students, when you think about it. I know the Ivy League is for athletics — but look how bad we are at football!

"I'm actually surprised we didn't get contracted. And how about Cornell? They have an ag school. Plus Columbia hasn't won anything since 1874."

Insiders said the process of contraction might not be over. Penn, often mistaken for Penn St., is rumored to be next.

But today, it is Dartmouth that mourns the loss of Ivy status. The Big Green might join the Missouri Valley Athletic Conference next season. If so, they will be allowed to use athletic scholarships.

Princeton will continue to play Dartmouth in football, basketball and women's lacrosse, according to the new Director of Athletics, Ben Dover.

Dover was recently hired after he was dismissed with the rest of Dartmouth's athletics staff.

"It's a traditional rivalry, the Tiger-Green one," Dover said. Besides, they'll never beat us in basketball and we're better in football and women's lax these days." "And yeah, Harvard sucks."