Just remember, when I play with Peach, it's magic

Ladies.

I know that it is no longer soccer season, but you must not deny me the pleasure of your sustained company. For you see Mike Nugent is every bit the man off the field that he is on the field.

I saw you there in the stands, captivated by my manly frame. I know you recognized that there was more to me than what Spanish lovers like to call, "futball."

In fact, there is so much more that I will explain my finer points in an easy-to-read, most lusciously bulleted list format.

Recognize that I am the Player of the Year for oh-so-many reasons. If you were to be with me, I would call you my Playmate of the Year, and I would whisper clever things into your luscious ear, such as, "You are my Playmate of the Year."

I can shower you with devotion, giving you light where before there had been no water, expanding your mind when once the dimensions of your skull had confined your brain to its natural size and shape.

I have eaten chewed-up sandwiches out of other people's garbage cans. Yuck.

Understand that I am well versed in the speech necessary to woo a lady of your caliber, so I would not call you anything derogatory, nor would I mention my attraction to your ancestors, nor would I call skankdalicious women "skankdalicious" in your presence.

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Just as I deftly push the buttons to take Princess Peach to the highest level in MarioKart, I have been known to do the same for my ladyfriends.

Above all, remember that the famous "Nugent charm" is not a part of my personality but rather of my anatomy.

Christmas has passed, but do not allow the spirit of giving to dwindle within you. For you see I have not allowed my boundless capacity to receive to wither away. So you must understand that should you decide to toss something my way, I could most certainly catch it.

In fact, now that the holiday season has passed, it is officially Nugent Season, and by that I mean that it is legal for Ladies between the ages of 11.5 and 40 to hunt Mike Nugent. But do not get overanxious and involve yourselves in Mike Nugent Hunting Accidents. There is plenty of Mike Nugent for everyone.