For some of you, it's midterms week. We, however, have precious little to do.
That's not true.
For me, Alex, it's the easiest week yet this year. For me, Andy, it's midterms week. I'm pissed, and I'm bigger than I am, so I'm freaking out.
Anyway, we thought for midterms week (from now on, it's only "we"; I do not exist, I am not (I think not)) we would do the grading. Each team's grade is an indication of the season so far, to say nothing of their innate talent or hard work. We're afraid that the curve didn't do a lot for the people that have lagged behind this year — football (big and rather smallish) players, you can blame women's soccer for that.
That being said:
Women's soccer A
Lousy curvewreckers. We'd say they were overachievers, but we're not even so sure about that. It looks like this team is for real, with freshmen and sophomores ripping game-winning goals, and juniors and seniors forming a defensive wall no opponent can get over. They'd have an A* if not for a 2-0 loss to UCLA, the only blemish on their record this season. Right, that's UCLA — No.2 UCLA, on its home field.
In other news, the last name of Harvard women's soccer's assists leader is Ripmaster. Oh the fun we could have with that.
Football C
What can we say? We try to think of ways to inflate the gridders' grades, but the fact remains — they're 1-4. They beat Columbia, but Columbia is bad — real bad. They had a good chance at Harvard, but they still lost. A team that wins when it is supposed to win but loses when it is supposed to lose is an average team — hence the average grade. Guess we can't beat Penn in everything.
Field Hockey A-
The field hockey team is the nerd that freaks out about getting anything under an A. They're doing just fine, but just fine isn't so solid for a team that always makes it to the Final Four. They were looking great after beating ODU, but they lost to Penn State and did their best to shake up the rankings even further by almost losing to perennial doormat BU.
Men's Soccer B+
Underachievers. Or possibly overachievers. We haven't quite figured this team out. Depends on the weekend, it seems. Call them the class clown (see: Mike Nugent) — capable of soundly beating the No. 9 team in the nation (Rutgers), but also of tying Columbia and American, two decidedly mediocre teams.
Men's Water Polo B-
One of the we of us once scored 10 goals in a Nintendo Ice Hockey game against the Czechoslovakians, but until earlier this fall, we couldn't think of another time we've seen that number in a box score. On September 21, though, junior driver Robert Urquhart dropped a single double on George Washington, connecting for 10 goals on the poor Colonials. Otherwise, this team has had its ups and downs, going 1-1 against rival Navy and losing to Harvard. In this sport, though, ECACs and Southerns at the end of the year are all that matter, so the finals count 100 percent.
Women's Cross Country B+
The most improved team on campus. With Kroshus running the show up front and a trio of seniors — Casey, Eynon and Huffman — chasing right behind her, this is a far cry from last year's team that finished seventh at Heps. Only problem — Yale has twins. Women's soccer and field hockey have proven it: You can't win women's sports unless you got twins.
Men's Cross Country B
They should learn a lesson from the women's soccer and cross-country teams. Take good care of your Canadians. With Paul Morrison, this is another A team. Without him, they're just decent. Speaking of Canadia, since only five runners score in a cross-country meet, why can't the last two just be designated brawlers? It could be like hockey, where there's just that one guy that has no skill but comes in every once in a while to beat the bejeezus out of people. We say just trot out some 200-pounder in some skimpy x/c shorts and let him go to work on some spindly runner types off the start. Guaranteed to increase attendance.
Women's Volleyball C+
The defending Ivy champs have started out horribly, losing to everyone — Ivy or otherwise. Fortunately, they made up a lot of ground right before the midterm by beating Brown and Yale this past weekend.
In other news, Kellie Cramm is the finest name someone who spikes a volleyball could ever have.
Sprint Football D
This is our single favorite team on campus, honest. We love the effort they put in, but somehow the final draft always comes out looking rough. This is a young team, though, so maybe next year. Maybe next year.
On the upside: When we attended sprint football's game against Cornell last Friday, it wasn't Princeton's kicker who thumped the ball into the rumps of his offensive linemen on two consecutive point-after attempts. So they got that going for them, which is nice.
Also, freshman Dennis Bakke's catch on a deep ball from freshman L.T. Lawler, in which Bakke jumped, stole the ball from a Medium Red defender, juggled it two or three times, and came down with it before going out of bounds was without a doubt the finest play we have seen on campus this year.
And we think they got hosed on the penalty that called Bakke's catch back.
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