'Prince' rescues Nass from itself

The Prince Magazine announced yesterday that it has acquired the nearly defunct Nassau Weekly for an undisclosed sum — meaning that The Daily Princetonian's rapidly expanding media empire now consists of a daily newspaper, a weekly magazine and Verbatim.

Editor-in-Chief Richard Just '01 described the move not as a financially motivated endeavor, but rather as an act of charitable service to the campus community.

"Enough innocent readers have been hurt already," Just said at yesterday's press conference. "Before more generations of Princetonians wasted their time reading jokes about goat feces and Hal Shapiro's genitalia, we knew something had to be done."

Effective immediately, the Nassau Weekly will be reduced to one weekly column of Verbatim and will no longer will be distributed to individual dorm rooms, but only to bathroom floors.

"Excrement belongs in the bathroom," said David Remnick '81, Nassau Weekly founder and current editor of The New Yorker. "This is the only way for my once-proud publication to save face."

Remnick said he reached this conclusion after reading the Nassau Weekly's "Poopin' and Writin' " issue published immediately before Winter Break.

The development seems to finally signal the end of The Nassau Weekly, which began a precipitous decline in quality shortly following Remnick's graduation — and, ever since, has been suffering a slow, gruesome journalistic death under the watch of a succession of "editors."

"Even publishing a three-line poem by Paul Muldoon couldn't save us," said Anne Kelly '02, the Nassau Weekly's co-editor-in-chief. "Evidently, people just no longer understand the metaphysical and postmodern relevance of goat poop."

Observers predicted the campus intellectual scene just wouldn't be the same anymore, without articles such as, "On the Impetus for Public Masturbation" and "Hand Sex."

Co-editor-in-chief Annie Correal '02 declined to talk about the takeover, but said her feelings would be best expressed by quoting a recent "objective" theater review from her paper.

"It goes without saying that if any actor can approximate middle-aged anomie at age 21, it's [NAASAU WEEKLY EDITOR] Brandon Miller," the review said. "[NASAAU WEEKLY EDITOR] Miller's strong suit as an actor is his ability to fuse an overwhelming bitterness with a quiet integrity; here with greying hair and an exaggeration of mannerisms not totally at odds with his nature, he has been encouraged to perform a parody of the young [NASSAU WEEKLY EDITOR] Brandon Miller parodying an older [NASSAU WEEKLY EDITOR] Brandon Miller — but has moved beyond the obvious personal corollary to deliver a memorable and compelling old George."

Miller is a Nassau Weekly editor.