Tricks, treats and a little 'fun' for Halloween

In 1842, the newly founded American Dental Association convened in Nassau Hall and decided to secretly fund a holiday that would ensure the success of its practice for centuries. They called it "Halloween" and we celebrate it to this day. Princeton's colors being orange and black, our institution has a special connection to this holiday. In honor of this connection, here's some Halloween fun.

Fun Number 1: When I was a Cub Scout, we spent one October pack meeting carving pumpkins. After each den finished its gourd, the pack voted for the best pumpkin. The winning design ended up being a dumb face with large nostrils. Hanging out of these nostrils were several strands of slimy pumpkin innards suggesting that this pumpkin had more than a bad case of the sniffles. We thought this was really funny so everyone gave his pumpkin a runny nose. A group of boys then got a better idea. They grabbed George, the boy who was constantly made fun of for losing half his finger in a lawn mowing accident, tied him to the flag pole and started putting the gross pumpkin stuff up his nose and over his face. This is what the Cub Scouts mean when they say, "Do a good turn daily."

Fun Number 2: Halloween is a candy holiday, but some people still aren't on the bandwagon. Taking my little sister around the neighborhood a few years ago, we knocked on the door of a house that we have never gone to before. When the door opened, I was surprised to see that 20 to 30 people were in the living room practicing yoga. The lady who opened the door had no idea that it was Halloween. She gave my little sister an apple. When you grow up, never give fruit to trick-or-treaters. You'll be lucky if they don't throw it in the ditch, or in your face. Save the fruit for Groundhog Day. Those varmints really go for the healthy stuff.

Fun Number 3: There are the fruit houses and then the money houses. The money houses are always inhabited by really old people who grew up in the Great Depression and still think that a dime can buy a radio, a Model T or whatever people bought in the 1930s. Here's how the typical transaction goes:

(Knock, Knock) "Trick-or-Treat . . . Hello, Mr. Smith."

"Hello, children. I mean, Oh! Look at this scary witch! And you must be a cowboy. Now you, little girl, you look like one of those harlots we saw in Europe during the Great War . . ."

"I'm Britney Spears."

"Is she a famous harlot?"

"Like, she's a singer and a dancer."

"The best always are."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing. Anyway, (reaching in his pocket) here's a nickel for the witch and the cowboy. Britney, I think, deserves a dime . . . No, wait. Take two more pennies."

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The kids, puzzled by what just happened, ride off on their $200 Razor scooters.

Fun Number 4: Before the children taste the candy, every good parent knows how important it is to check for needles, rat poison or any particular candy they want to steal from their kids. I have fond memories of finding a syringe stuck through my Snickers, or maybe a bloody finger among the Reese's Pieces.

Why is one allowed to make fun of this? Because, according to my sources, there have been no reported cases of candy contamination by a neighbor ever in America. Ever. The sad truth, though, is that whenever this crime has been committed, an investigation has always discovered that the parents themselves decided to lace the candy with harmful substances.

If any child is reading this, I urge you to eat all your candy before your arrive home. If this is impossible, let your parents "check" your candy. After they're done "checking," remove all the thumbtacks, needles or poison then enjoy.

Fun Number 5: If you want to be really cool this Halloween, choose a costume that's confusing or go as something that people won't understand like a river otter, Firestone library or Fermat's last theorem.

That's enough fun for now. It's time to study for midterms, and then think about whom you want to vote for. BOO! This really is a scary time of the year.