Holier than thou: God for president

Please forgive me. With all these midterms, I didn't have time this week to write an opinionated column. So on my way back from heaven last night, I pulled a Michael Keaton and jacked the following lead article from today's issue of heaven's newspaper, The Daily Bread:

In a move that shocked many of America's atheists, pagans and devil worshippers, God announced this week that He will join the race for president of the United States.

Pledging to reform campaign financing, provide moral leadership and end human suffering, God hopes His presence on the ballot will create a legitimate third option for voters disenchanted with Texas Gov. George W. Bush and Vice President Al Gore.

Despite his late arrival on the campaign trail, God believes His experience in dealing with people since the beginning of time should benefit Him in these final 12 days before the election.

"God is all things to all people," said God campaign chairman Pope John Paul II. "He knows right from wrong, good from bad. If you consider yourself a good Christian, then you already understand that God is the right choice for America as we enter a new millennium."

The Heavenly Father surprised critics when He selected His own son, Jesus Christ, as His running mate. Many who believed God would choose The Holy Spirit claim that the selection of a Jewish representative on the Trinity party ticket is a thinly veiled ploy to court minority voters. Others openly decry the notion of a father-son tandem running the country for any sustained period of time.

Nevertheless, the God-Jesus campaign has already produced a major upheaval in Bible belt states, garnering the support of 98 percent of voters who say they were leaning toward Bush, according to a recent Daily Princetonian poll. The only state where the Almighty has failed to make a significant impact is Utah, where citizens have been fuming ever since Christ left the Latter Day Saints party.

"I'd sooner vote for that Green Party fella than see that bastard sellout Jesus in the Oval Office," Salt Lake City resident Joseph Young said.

In addition to being the only immortal candidate, Our Savior has tried to distance Himself from His opponents on policy issues such as military spending. If elected, God says He would ground Air Force One and disband the armed forces. As the first-ever divine Commander-in-Chief, He would traverse the world's oceans on foot and respond to international conflict with plague-based warfare.

God spokesman St. Peter said the key to a November upset is for the American people to embrace a candidate who has remained aloof and mysterious until now. Political pundits, on the other hand, have reacted to the Almighty's announcement with both detached skepticism and shock. 'Prince' Hades correspondent Frederick Nietzche expressed the most bewilderment, admitting, "Well, I guess I was wrong about that one."

God's contenders, meanwhile, have publicly questioned the resolve of their surprising new adversary.

"God, like my other opponent, will promise you big things, but He won't deliver," Bush said. "He's had five billion years to get something accomplished, but we're still sitting here like oil reserves, waiting. Just a short year ago, for example, we were all expecting that whole Apocalypse thing. I don't know about you, but to this day I haven't seen a single horseman in Texas, let alone four. And even if I did, I would probably put them to death. It's time for a change."

Get the best of ‘the Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Gore more or less agreed with the Texas Governor.

"I don't mean to play devil's advocate here, but I really think we're talking about a candidate who exaggerates the truth and ignores the middle class," Gore said. "Some of America's greatest scientists have proved that we humans evolved from monkeys, and not because God created us, as He so claims. He may say He's a candidate for the people, yet the Kingdom of Heaven is ranked dead last in Medicare coverage for sinners. Let me just put it this way: How many more prayers will have to go unanswered before the American people realize that God only absolves the top one percent of his chosen people?"

Green party candidate Ralph Nader '55 expressed his disappointment that God was barred from participating in the recent presidential debates but hopes the Lord's immense popularity will not jeopardize his own chances at gaining five percent of the national vote.

"Sure, God may be all-loving and all-powerful, but there are certain issues He doesn't want to talk about," Nader said. "Abortion, for example, or tax-collecting. What's He going to do, turn the other cheek to Saddam Hussein? It goes without saying that His administration would more or less obliterate the current separation of church and state in America. You'd essentially be voting for the lesser of three evils."

God has repeatedly brushed aside such volatile criticism, insisting, "This election should not take into account My personal beliefs. Say whatever you want to say about My proposals. But, as many of My supporters have already realized, when push comes to shove, God knows best. Amen."