Bezos Residential College fails to help independent students

The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional. This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!

One year after the opening of Bezos Residential College, an investigation conducted by The Daily Princetonian found independent residents suffer from diabetes and paper cuts. First-year students in Bezos said their transition to campus was negatively impacted because they never left their dorm rooms.

“After learning that the University could benefit alumni businesses by using independent students, we decided to do something that would maybe help independent students,” President Christopher Eisgruber said via Spokesperson Ben Chang in a statement.

To create a livable community for independent students at the University, administrators partnered with Amazon in creating Bezos Residential College. All students in Bezos must make any and all purchases through the online retailer, which then delivers packages straight to their dorm rooms.

“Independent lifestyles at the University are highly inefficient,” Eisgruber said. “The new system helps them save valuable time.”

University officials say the policy also means independent students have increased access to food and cooking ingredients, because they don’t have to make shopping trips. But independent students said the policy means they lack access to fresh foods like fruit and vegetables.

“Independent students have historically suffered at the University,” Eisgruber said. “Overall increased access to food is huge step in the right direction.”

The new residential college is on the opposite side of Lake Carnegie, meaning that independent students never have to come to the main campus, except for classes.

“Residential colleges foster such natural community,” Eisgruber said. “The new Bezos College is undoubtedly a tight-knit group, because of the nature of residential life.”

But Bezos students reported a number of serious problems.

Forty-five percent of deliveries are made by drones which arrive outside students’ windows in the middle of the night.

“Because of standard facilities safety rules, I can’t fully open my window, so I can’t access my packages of food,” senior Hee Diserves-Better said.

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First-year Bezos students fare even worse, because they arrive to campus with minimal belongings and therefore must make many more purchases through Amazon.

“How do I buy a computer on Amazon if I don’t have a computer?” freshman Ainkshus Boi said.

He also described how, when he ordered scissors on Amazon, he couldn’t open the box because he needed scissors.