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The sprint football team recently ended a losing streak of 100 years in a specially scheduled off-season showdown extravaganza.

It was clear from the very beginning that this would be no ordinary game for the Tigers. For the first time in nearly a decade, the team scored a touchdown in the first 20 seconds of the game, returning the kickoff for a 6-0 initial lead after failing to convert for the extra point. They maintained this six-point lead for the remainder of the first half, trading touchdowns with the opposing team approximately every minute as the defensive lines scrambled to find the ball. With defense utterly demoralized, the half ended 111-105.

As the Lobster Club finished its halftime show, the Tigers returned to the field looking more determined than ever. Having just finished listening to a motivational speech, the Princeton offense channeled its inner strength for good, completing its first pass over 10 yards in nearly 3 years. However, the opposing defense, having successfully figured out what a football looks like, rallied to stop the Tigers’ drive for the end zone. The next 28 minutes saw the two teams duking it out 10 yards on either side of the 50-yard line, with no points scored.

Then, tragedy stuck: the opposing quarterback faked a handoff and ran the ball himself for a touchdown, running between the legs of Princeton’s defensive line. The score now stood at 111-112, with 60 seconds left on the clock. In a stroke of brilliance, senior quarterback Nickel Bach threw the ball directly over the opposing safety, who jumped in the air to catch it and was immediately alley-ooped into his own end zone, resulting in a 2-point safety.

Final score: 113-112 Princeton.

The Tigers will face the John Witherspoon Middle School team again in approximately five years, when their students are finally old enough to play college football.

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the internet!*

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