The next Republican debate will feature a new format, that of a survival-of-the-fittest contest, CNBC moderator John Harwood said.
Harwood explained that the candidates will be put on a deserted tropical island with provisions, but no weapons. They will be allowed to use whatever means, verbal or non-verbal, to subdue each other, and the last man standing will be declared the winner. He added hastily that as one of the candidates, Carly Fiorina, is a woman, the last woman standing will also be declared a winner.
A cannon will be sounded each time a candidate is knocked unconscious or passes out from exhaustion, he noted.
Several of the candidates have discussed their planned strategies. U.S. Senator from Texas Ted Cruz ’92 said that he intends to draw on his filibustering abilities by lecturing the other candidates until they submit to him out of sheer weariness.
“Filibustering is a bit like an Apple Software Licensing Agreement,” Cruz said. “There’s just so much meaningless shit there that people don’t have the time for, that they just end up agreeing with you because they don’t want to deal with it.”
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that his weight will not be a problem for him in the arena, and that, as a former federal prosecutor, he believes he can withstand anything.
Ohio Governor John Kasich said that his strategy is to hide in a corner and hope that the other candidates will simply eliminate one another, leaving him the victor.
Real estate magnate Donald Trump explained that, continuing his strategy from recent debates, his strategy is to go after Jeb Bush first, then turn his attention to everyone else.
“I’ll take him down faster than Carly Fiorina took down Hewlett Packard,” Trump said.
When asked if his age will make him less able to survive through the combat than younger candidates such as Cruz and U.S. Senator from Florida Marco Rubio, Trump said that he is not concerned.
However, Cruz and Rubio both said that their youth and vigor will enable them to be much better at surviving than older contestants.
“When I’m in the arena, looking up at the noonday sun with sweat pouring down my face, I’ll think of my father, who spent many long hours washing dishes for me to get to this point,” Cruz said. “I will not let my father down.”
Nevertheless, Harwood noted that Trump has a secret weapon no one else has — the light radiating from his bald head.
“Trump’s bald head is like the Ark of the Covenant of American politics,” he said. “When naked in all its glory, the other candidates will melt like the Nazis in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Not even former federal prosecutors will be safe from Him.”
When asked if Trump’s hair is real, Trump told reporters not to be ridiculous.
*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet!*