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The University’s Office of Career Services has revolutionized its program with an emphasis on unconventionality, including hiring psychics to consult with students about where they should end up.

Executive Director of Career Services Pulin Sanghvi explained that Career Services made the decision to hire psychics because they did not have enough time to process all the students who were sent in to see them and because they thought psychics would do a better job in providing guidance. He noted that Tarot cards, palm-reading, crystal balls and astrology would all be available as methods of psychic consultation.

Madame Zarathustra, one of the psychics, said that she cannot speak to how the mysteries of the universe operate but added that the signs never lie.

Zach Baumgartner ’17 said that as he was having trouble deciding on a career, having a psychic choose one for him was extremely helpful.

“After finding out that my zodiac sign is a Taurus, the psychic lady told me I should work on Wall Street,” he said. “Why not?”

Baumgartner’s friend, Will Bellamy ’17, said that his psychic told him to go into politics after noticing that the cloud of mist inside her crystal ball kept changing shape and never settled into a particular form.

“Not the career path I envisioned,” he said, “but who am I to contradict Providence’s plans for me?”

In addition, HireTigers has allowed students to create brand new profiles emphasizing skills that make them stand out. The profiles include spaces for students’ Myers-Briggs Personality Score, Zodiac sign and the luminous intensity of the light emanating casino online from a student’s business card, while eschewing more traditional criteria such as GPA and job experience.

Sanghvi said that these changes to the HireTigers website reflect a history of innovation and entrepreneurship for Career Services.

“We’re always trying to think outside the box, develop things from the ground up,” Sanghvi said. “Each and every resource module on our new site will help Princeton students foster their inner innovator.”

In addition, Career Services has been promoting revamped LinkedIn profiles. Students have been altering their accounts to downplay traditional attributes while noting features such as IQ, MENSA membership and team captaincy of a third grade water polo team.

“Everyone has the job experience, so there’s no need to include that,” Baumgartner said. “Besides, all you do in Wall Street internships anyway is make PowerPoints and shadow people, so experience really doesn’t matter. What they want are team players and innovators.”

“There was this time in high school track when I accidentally took off before the starters’ pistol and everyone laughed at me,” Bellamy said. “But Morgan Stanley wants self-starters, so I put that on my resume. Who’s laughing now?”

*This article is part of The Daily Princetonian"s annual joke issue. Don"t believe everything you read on the internet!*

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