The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
Amid the rise of COVID-19 cases around campus, many students have been taking PCR and rapid antigen tests to prevent the spread of the virus. One student from the Class of 2027, although they tested negative for COVID-19, tested positive for the bubonic plague, also known as the “Black Death”.
A spokesperson from McCosh Health Center, Ann Tejin, commented on the “unprecedented illness.”
“Our top priority on campus is curbing the spread of coronavirus,” she explained. “We are relieved that this student has tested negative for COVID, furthering our goal.”
The sick student reported that they are still expected to “attend all classes” and “Zoom does not count.” Furthermore, the University will not be providing them with isolation housing, advising their three quad-mates to “try not to breathe so much when you’re in the dorm” and to “sleep facing away from the sick roommate.”
Editor’s note: All four roommates have tested positive for the bubonic plague at time of publication.
In an up-close, personal, and maskless interview with The Daily PrintsAnything, the plagued student expressed annoyance with the University and its policies.
“[Cough] Yeah, I’m not doing too well, I mean the plague sucks but what’s most annoying is that my writing sem professor wouldn’t give me an extension on my D2 [cough]. He said it would be different if I had COVID-19.” They continued, “at least I can’t taste the dining hall food anymore, I guess.”
Editor’s Note: All Daily PrintsAnything staffers have tested positive for the bubonic plague at time of publication. Cough.
Among concerns for plague infection among students, University administrators have released a statement, reminding students to “not let the plague affect their academic performance during midterms week.”
Spencer Bauman is head Humor editor and a junior in the Chemical and Biological Engineering department. He has decided not to take any of his midterms, in case the exam papers have the plague on them. He can be reached at email@example.com.