The following content is purely satirical and entirely fictional.
At 4:32 a.m. on Saturday, Sept. 23, a tree fell over onto Edwards Hall, crashing through one of its windows. Students, many of whom are members of the Edwards collective, were awake and witnessed the event.
“I thought I had finally broken glass with my voice, but it was just that f***ing tree,” said distraught music major Anita Singh ’25, in an interview with the Daily PrintsAnything. “It’s an omen. I’ll never make it.” On Monday, she switched to EEB.
Theater major and president of the Les Miserables Club, Vean Jal Vean ’25, expressed similar anguish. “I was wearing full mime makeup, practicing Act II, Scene 4 of my most recent play in which my character experiences the most traumatic event of his life. Needless to say, I now have more material for my method acting.”
While many were saddened by the damage to such a campus treasure, one architecture student Bob Buildering ’24 told the 'Prints' he actually likes it better now. “Much better ventilation and south-facing light is divine. Plus, campus has needed a treehouse ever since organic architecture became popular.”
Luckily, all residents were safely evacuated to Dillon, where they found life boats, hazmat suits, a full English breakfast, and SZA singing SOS.
The entire arts collective is reported to have been seen at the Terrace rave that night.
Caroline Rasmussen is a member of the Class of 2026, and last Saturday morning, she woke up at 9 a.m. in Blair. She can be reached at email@example.com.
Arika Hassan is a member of the Class of 2026 who claims to be a Matheyite when she wants to. This was not one of those moments. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.