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In a move that few expected, President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 announced that from Jan. 32 onwards, the U.S. Congress will be owned by the University and will operate as a branch of the University.

“We have over $22 billion in the bank,” said Eisgruber. “Rather than continually engaging in lawsuits with the government and dealing with tax-exemption headaches, it just seemed cleaner to buy it all out.”

University Director of Government Affairs Joyce Rechtschaffen ’75 was not available for comment. However, Assistant Vice President for Communications Daniel Day said that he expected Rechtschaffen's job to be much harder now, as she will be serving as acting majority shareholder.

Dean of the Wilson School Cecilia Rouse was also pleased with the University's actions.

“We’re almost going to outgrow our current spaces in Robertson Hall,” said Rouse, “So it's wonderful that we now have more room for faculty and precepts in a building that's almost as nice as our current one, and almost as old as this institution.”

The original Capitol was finished by 1800, over half a century after the University’s founding.

The Wilson School plans to offer new courses, including “Policymaking for Beginners” and “Making Government Work: Sharing is Caring.” These courses will be taught in the new satellite campus in Washington, D.C. All current members of Congress can receive auditor credit for any courses taught there.

“It's so exciting to finally make a difference,” said Nicholas Wu ’18, a Wilson School major. “Princeton has taught us so much about the real world, and its vibrant support of internships and summer jobs will really be bolstered by this expansion.” Wu further noted that he expects his Wilson School task force to soon be able to pass legislation.

Wu is Head Opinion Editor of The Daily Princetonian.

The news of the University's newest political acquisition follows the announcement that Harvard Law School will now be sponsoring the Supreme Court.

A Harvard spokesman said, “Well, you know, we feel this will help with our networking potential and alumni donations greatly. Plus we can use the chambers as overflow room for CS50.”

Yale University has also attempted to buy the Library of Congress, but the school was outbid by the University of Chicago, which came out of nowhere to snatch the purchase.

Members of Princeton Model Congress also expressed excitement at the University’s direction.

“Suck it, Model UN” said Samuel Garfinkle ’19, referencing the sister organization of Model Congress. “Everyone makes fun of [Model Congress] for having a conference that's not even in D.C., but now we'll be able to take all of PMUNC's staffers and run deficits, and no one will care!”

Garfinkle is a Managing Editor for the ‘Prince.’

Laura Hausman ’20, an officer of the MUN team, did not respond to the ‘Prince’ knocking on her door.

Day added, “Princeton's motto has been to be in the nation’s service, and we feel our strong commitment to financial aid and a no-loan guarantee will be popular with the American people.”

Sarah Sakha ’18 was more circumspect. “It’ll be nice, I guess,” she said, “to not have to deal with racist iconography on the new campus.”

Sakha is the Editor-in-Chief of the ‘Prince.’

Texas senator and new University auditor Ted Cruz ’92 did not respond to multiple requests for comment.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Don’t believe everything you read on the Internet!