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  • Your cat
  • Hopes and dreams
  • Any expectations
  • A snake
  • Pleasure reading
  • A desire for moist chicken
  • A keychain for your room key
  • Your ego
  • Your Eggos
  • Melatonin
  • Your SAT scores – or AP, IB, ACT
  • Your microwave (or panini press)
  • Coins for the laundry machines
  • Eye drops
  • A distaste for the color orange
  • The pre-read book
  • A printer
  • High school apparel
  • A boomerang, or other utterly impractical items from your home country
  • A weak liver
  • T-shirts (you’ll get enough for free)
  • Daddy’s trust fund money
  • Dignity
  • Most species of bedbugs
  • Boat shoes (why would you want to fit in, anyways?)
  • Canada Goose jacket
  • An aversion to ice cream (it’s everywhere)
  • Boba tea (it’s everywhere)
  • A watch (you’ll never have enough time anyway)
  • Sunglasses (like T-shirts, you’ll get a bunch of them for free)
  • A framed portrait of Ted Cruz '92
  • Ted Cruz '92
  • A healthy appetite for free food
  • Your health

*This piece provides satirical advice for moving to Princeton.

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