Towards a safe space in feminist discussions

“Oh, I get it. You’re a feminist until it’s hard.”

A fellow Princeton classmate dropped this insult on me during a heated discussion about the sexism of Reddit, and it stung. As a self-identified feminist (and, believe me, I know how toxic many articles can become when they begin with that phrase), I like to think that I’m doing something to dismantle sexism, or at least my own personal sexism, on a day-to-day basis. Even though I’m from the North, I’ve taught myself to use the phrase “y’all” instead of “you guys” because it is gender-neutral. I stay away from words like “bitch,” “bossy” and “slut” because I believe they perpetuate a very real culture of violence towards women, and I have called out people who use them in my presence. Most of all, I’ve been learning to recognize the absurd privilege I’ve inherited as a male (especially one who is also white and straight) in a society that is patently unfriendly to anyone who doesn’t identify as such.

That being said, I think that in some forms of feminism, especially the more radical ones, there is some aggression towards men who may not think in the exactly same manner. In a recent column for the The Daily Princetonian, contributing columnist Newby Parton recounted his experience at USG town hall meeting in which he voiced a concern about how the University’s new policy towards sexual assault cases might increase the likelihood of false convictions. As he puts it, “I was accused of being ‘steeped in rape culture.’ [...] I did not dare speak again — my ideas were not welcome.”

I do not entirely agree with the claims Parton makes in his editorial. I do believe that rape culture is a very real facet of our society, and the statistic that one in three American women will be abused sexually during her life provides ample proof of that. I also believe that misandry is a flawed argument - verbal attacks against men do not equate to deeply-rooted societal oppression. The only reason this column does not delve more deeply into issues of misogyny and rape culture is because there are countless other writers who have already done that better than I will ever be able to do. Finally, I don’t plan on making the #NotAllMen argument, because I believe it’s not true. We all have inherent sexist biases, no matter how much we try to ignore them, and the only way to have any hope of terminating those biases is to struggle actively against them at all times.

However, Parton’s column raises a concern that has been troubling me for a long time: there seems to be a tendency in certain schools of feminist thought to jump down the throat of any man who makes a comment which doesn’t fully line up with that school's way of thinking. Feminist discussions often claim a “safe space” in which any topic is valid for consideration. This safe space needs to include all people, not just members of the societally oppressed group. In my opinion, any all-inclusive discussion on misogyny should not include vitriolic anti-male polemic. If anything, every opinion should be treated as legitimate and should be critiqued and discussed respectfully.

I’m not trying to argue that feminism should be easy for men to participate in. As Mia McKenzie writes for Black Girl Dangerous, feminism “requires [men] giving up power and all evidence suggests that’s not their super-fave thing. Share a link about gender equality? Sure! Count me in! Give up real power in real ways? Nope, not really.” Ideally, being a male feminist means fighting with all your might against a power structure favorable to you, and that can be very difficult. It’s especially because of this that comments like the one at the top of this article can be hurtful. Being a male feminist absolutely should not be glamorous, but at the very least I should be able to express potentially controversial opinions I truly hold without immediately feeling attacked unconstructively. Pragmatically, I’m more likely to critique my own opinion if the response to it is a civilly-worded counterargument rather than a vituperative accusation.

At the farm I worked for in high school, one of our central tenets was the quote, “We are not to blame, and we are responsible.” The quote refers to privilege and oppression — we are not to blame for our own inherent biases and the current structures of power in place in America and the world, yet at the same time we are responsible for confronting those biases and demolishing those structures. To me, an important piece of feminism is holding lengthy discussions in an actual “safe space” without the fear that I’ll be massacred for a potentially controversial thought I’ve had. Unless we realize that everyone’s experience with sexism is unique, that confronting one’s own bigotry is hard work and that not everyone is already at the same point, this “safe space” will not exist.

Will Rivitz is a freshman from Brookline, Mass. He can be reached at wrivitz@princeton.edu.