Sexpert: Dec. 6, 2012

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year now and our sex life has been pretty good, but it’s starting to become a bit routine. I am looking for ways to spice it up and am interested in trying some new things. How can I bring this up with my boyfriend without having him think I’m weird?

— Hesitant to Experiment

Dear Hesitant,

It’s great you have thought about your own desires and are now hoping to explore them with your boyfriend. It is important to know yourself and understand your own comfort level and personal boundaries in terms of sexual exploration. This way, it will be easier for you to communicate openly with your boyfriend about what you could do to change up your sex life with him. Know that it is perfectly healthy and normal to want to experiment, and that no sexual practice is inherently wrong so long as it is consensual.

A way to approach this is to talk with your partner about his desires, too. You can start by asking about satisfaction with your sex life together. Listen and let your partner know how you have been feeling. Ask if he’s interested in trying something new, and if so, what. You might find he has some of the same desires as you do. You might also realize he might not share some fantasies with you, which can be disappointing, but it is important to make sure you respect his boundaries.

If you focus on new things both of you could explore together, you won’t just talk about your own fantasies, but rather how you can satisfy each other and how both of your fantasies can be fulfilled. Think about activities that you two would like to try together and imagine how you would feel if they were a reality. Think of it as an exploration of options and a way to better understand each other’s boundaries and curiosities.

Speaking of boundaries, be sure to be aware of yours and your partner’s. Ask yourself and each other what would be really exciting and what would be a turnoff. Decide on safe words and agree it is acceptable to stop in the middle of an activity if one partner wants to stop, even if you agreed to try it ahead of time. Consent is very important — though you might want to try something, your boyfriend may not, and you will have to respect that, and vice versa. It is always good to check in with yourself and see how the activities are making you, as well as your partner, feel. Honest, open communication is key.

Counseling and Psychological Services at University Health Services also offers couples’ counseling if you find that there might be communication issues in your relationship and are looking for professional help sorting through them. There are many resources available to you, so don’t fret — it is common to feel nervous about discussing sexual exploration in relationships.

With open communication, an understanding of your own and your boyfriend’s boundaries and an open mind, you will be able to find out what new things you two would like to try together and go about it in a healthy and respectful manner. Be open to new possibilities while still respecting boundaries and checking in with yourself and each other. Have fun and keep it safe and consensual!

— The Sexpert

Interested in Sexual Health? The Sexpert is always looking for passionate members of the community to join the team of sexual health educators who, along with fact-checking from University health professionals, help write these columns. Email sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com for more information and, of course, with your questions about sexual health. Don’t be shy!