Sexpert: April 7, 2011

Dear Sexpert,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for a long time, and we are compatible in almost every way. The only place we seem to have a bit of a disconnect is in the bedroom. My girlfriend doesn’t like foreplay or clitoral stimulation. She wants to get down to sex as soon as we’ve undressed and she can only climax with hard and fast penetration. Why isn’t she interested in anything but direct penetration? Since she only likes penetration, a problem arises that I generally cum within 5 minutes of entering her, while it takes her a good 20 minutes of penetration for her to climax. What can I do to get us more in sync with our climaxes? I really think it would make sex much more enjoyable for both of us!

— Arriving Early

Dear Arriving,

First of all, know that every woman is different. While some women can only get aroused by clitoral stimulation, some can be aroused by both clitoral stimulation and penetration, and others are only aroused by penetration. Your girlfriend clearly falls into the final category, which, while not unusual, does seem to be placing a strain on your sexual relationship.

You say that your girlfriend wants to have sex as soon as you take your clothes off, and is not interested in any sort of foreplay. Have you talked to her about your interest in exploring foreplay? If she doesn’t enjoy clitoral stimulation, I encourage you to explore some of the areas of foreplay that do not involve the genital region. Light foreplay such as kissing and fondling may help you both relax and get in the mood before you begin having sex.

As for the part of your question about how to sync up your sexual arousal with your that of your girlfriend so you can climax together, I have a few suggestions that you could try. First of all, you could try having a frank discussion with your girlfriend about what sort of stimulation you could provide (besides penetration) that would help her climax. She may have some ideas. If your girlfriend isn’t sure, you could use your fingers to penetrate her or invest in a phallic sex toy that the two of you could use together. This way, she could get the penetration she needs to be aroused, and then when she is close to climaxing you could enter her, and you could climax together.

If you and your girlfriend don’t like the idea of using your fingers or a sex toy for penetration, you could try a few techniques to slow down your own climax to bring it more into sync with your girlfriend’s. Many men find that positions that have the girl on top are less stimulating and allow them to last longer. Another trick to try would be using condoms (either regular condoms or the “extended pleasure” condoms that have a mild local desensitizer) which may help you last longer. Finally, it may be possible to train yourself to last longer before climaxing. To do this you could try masturbating until right before the point of orgasm, and then reducing stimulation thereby not allowing yourself to orgasm. If you do this repeatedly you may find that you are able to extend the time it takes you to climax so that your climax syncs up better with your girlfriend’s climax.

Most importantly, keep lines of communication open with your girlfriend. If any of the suggestions outlined above appeal to you, try discussing them with her. If you’d like some help talking to your girlfriend about this, remember that individual and couples’ counseling is available for free to students through UHS. Through some trial and error you will likely be able to find a way to climax at the same time.

Stay safe, and take care!

— The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. Submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don’t be shy!