Ask Alexis: Lawnparties Fashion

Dear Alexis,

I’m not sure what to wear to Lawnparties. I have a ton of options; can you help me choose?

— Picky Prepster

Dear Picky,

Tons of options, eh? Well, aren’t we special? If you have too many options, why are you asking me? Don’t you have any friends to model for? I guess you just need to air all of your dirty laundry in front of everyone. I’m surprised you didn’t put your real name, since you crave attention so badly. Fine, I’ll handle this.

If the weather this year is as sweltering as it has been in Lawnparties past, I suggest you wear as little as possible. Seriously, if you can get away with a swimsuit, I would recommend that. You’ll be nice and cool, and it won’t shrink when you eventually faint from exhaustion in the Woody Woo fountain. We’ve all been there.

Your clothing choice doesn’t only depend on the weather; it also depends on your susceptibility to sunburn. If you have fair skin, you should cover up as much as possible. You do NOT want to freckle, my dear friend. What decent gentleman would marry you then? Certainly not Mr. Darcy. (Sorry, I think my anglophile self has gotten a little too into the royal wedding.)

Because it’s been raining a lot lately, you also need to consider the possibility of a flooded Lawnparties. You’re not going to want to carry an umbrella, so you should consider investing in an umbrella hat. It will keep you dry, keep your hands free for use and get you a front row spot at the Wiz Khalifa concert. I mean, who wants to start a fight with someone wearing an umbrella hat? Someone who’s willing to get clawed to death, that’s who. Umbrella-hatters have no fear. Remember that.