Single? Yes. Lonely? Never.

So, Valentine’s Day is coming, and you don’t have a date. Fear not, dear reader, because I, too, am in the same boat. I have been in the same boat for the past 21 years. That’s right. As shocking as it sounds, this 140-pound hunk of man has never had a date for Valentine’s Day. That said, I’ve perfected the art of being awesome on Valentine’s Day, even if that means making out with an inflatable doll at the end of the night while listening to Barry White. Just Kidding. I’ve never done that! I might have, though.

Here’s step one: Do not, under any circumstances, watch the movie “Valentine’s Day.” It was a sad attempt to create an American version of “Love Actually.” Unfortunately, Americans are not creative, do not have cool accents and are not Hugh Grant. I know because I am an American, and in my experience, no Americans are Hugh Grant. Only Hugh Grant is Hugh Grant.

Anyway, after you have successfully not watched “Valentine’s Day,” the next step is to become either very intoxicated (if you are 21, of course) or to have no personal shame. This is absolutely crucial for what you are about to do. Keep reading.

Step three: Go to a dining hall and stand on a table. Sing, at the top of your lungs, “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” Make sure to sing it to potential love interests as they walk by the table. The more pathetic you appear, the better. If you can fall off the table at some point, you will have more fun. I know this from personal experience. Also, if Matthew Karczewski from Dining Services at Whitman College comes after you, run away!

Step four: Walk to Nassau Street and heckle all of the “adorable” couples. Get specific here. Don’t just shout, “Your relationship will never last,” at a passing couple; shout “Your relationship will never last, because she’s only interested in you for the money and the fact that her Catholic parents will resent a Jewish partner!” Keep doing this until you begin to doubt your own humanity. I know that this seems a little harsh, but don’t worry, I’m sure everyone will know you are joking! I was only banned for life from two restaurants on Nassau Street when I engaged in such activity; one of those restaurants was Panera Bread, so it doesn’t count.

Final step: Watch “Valentine’s Day.”

To end on a completely unrelated note, I’ve heard that some people have been standing outside of Frist Campus Center handing out copies of the ‘Prince’ to be used as toilet paper. If that is indeed the case, I’d like to request that you only use this particular page on your right butt cheek. I have a strange aversion to left butt cheeks — it’s personal. Family stuff. Don’t force me to remember my daddy issues right now. Oh God. It’s all coming back.