Match Us Up

DIXON LI

Statue, bird, water, mountain, squirrel-fearing neurotic would love to find a way to leave the house without panic attacks.

19-year-old man, Princeton, N.J., United States, seeking platonic relationships and a cure for my crippling loneliness within 5 miles of my dorm room

Relationships: Awkward

Have kids: None

Want kids: Only domesticated animals of the feline or canine variety.

Height: 5’10”

Weight: 135lbs

Ethnicity: Asian Flush x10

Drink: Asian Flush x10

For fun: I enjoy doing crossword puzzles, coloring in coloring books and organizing my expansive collection of thimbles by material and thickness.

Favorite things: cats, hot showers, cold rooms, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, dark corners, barley wheat, taking stair steps two-at-a-time, antioxidants and fish oil.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Last read: “Klimt and His Cat,” Better Homes and Gardens, Cat Fancy, and Gout magazine

MOLLY O'NEILL

My name is Molly O’Neill. I’m 29 (I promise!), and I’m interested in guys who have perfect vision but wear clear, nonprescription glasses just for the effect. If you fit this description, you’ll certainly affect me. I’m looking for someone who only listens to live music and who cultivates dandelions in a backyard garden. If you have a television, you should always set the volume at prime number. I’d like you to be between 6 feet 5 inches and 6 feet 7 inches and always almost need a haircut. Good organizational skills are important — in particular, you must have a thoroughly annotated survival plan for a zombie invasion.

That’s who I’m looking for. But who am I? I am your dream come true. I am wearing socks that are two different colors, and I didn’t even do it on purpose to be quirky. I simply haven’t done my laundry in the past few days. I went to Slippery Rock University until I started slipping behind and had to drop out. I now have my dream job: freelance bow-hunter. If you have a deer overpopulation problem, I can take care of it the old-fashioned way. The camouflage and binoculars are also useful for determining how accurate your profile picture on this dating website is. I find taxidermy relaxing, but I don’t spend all my time thinking about work. I also like to knit hats, because most hats don’t have holes for antlers, and how are you supposed to put regular hats on deer heads? My ideal date involves going to a mediocre restaurant where I accidentally order the spiciest dish and then you think I’m blushing when my face feels like it’s on fire. Afterward we walk through the forest on a path where nobody’s ever stepped before, and I can show you how to track animals using their excrement.

I know all of this sounds pretty exciting. If you can’t send me a handwritten note by carrier pigeon (don’t tape a magnet to its head or it will be confused), please send an e-mail typed in Comic Sans MS.

ANONYMOUS

Senior girl searches for freshman boy to tip cows with. Must be comfortable in and around manure and be vaccinated against rabies.

All-American girl looks for a partner in life and in the barn. Respondents should be extremely flexible and able to fit into very small places (i.e., an udder). Must be a strong advocate of inter-species marriage.

Special Note: I like them young, and I like them spry.

Interests: Naked Segway riding; Hay fever; Mooing; Championship eating contests; Shooting rubber bands at babies; Cow-tipping; Sitting naked on balloons; Mud yoga; Tractor-racing; Eating ham sandwiches; Stuffed animals.

Age: 21

Children: 17 mules and a minotaur

Divorced: 3 times — once was from a bull though, so I’m not sure if it counts

Hair color: Corn

Height: 5’ 12”

Weight: Wouldn’t you like to know?

Special Talents: 3 boobs

Dream: To work in a slaughterhouse

Yodelers need not respond.

LISA HAN

Name: Lisa Han

Relationships: Never married

Want kids: At least one but no more than 15

Ethnicity: Asian

Height: 5’6”

Religion: Elitist

Smoke: For medicinal purposes only

Drink: Martini

Occupation: Analrapist (like Tobias!)

I am a fun, 20-year-old female from Princeton, N.J., seeking a man who can keep up with my intelligent, compassionate, classy, sincere, insatiable, beautiful, domineering, generous, mastermind-ful and emotional personality. I don’t claim to be a traditional girl, but I love a bit of romance every once in a while.

I have a wide range of interests that I am eager to share with a special someone. These include, but are not limited to: tennis, high fashion, sexy saxophone players, R. Kelly, wine and 19th century literature. Please do not be intimidated by my glamorous lifestyle. I am more than willing to negotiate on the merits of dogs versus cats or anything else given a well-presented argument. More than just looks, I consider personality to be the central precursor to attractiveness. I expect a man to be tasteful and wealthy — like myself — who isn’t afraid of a little blood, commitment and tears.

Like any girl, I am very fond of dates. My idea of a perfect date would probably be a romantic dinner, followed by a long stroll on a beach, followed by a few hours of mutual interrogation and lovemaking at my summer home in the Galapagos. Like Communism, I believe that everything in a relationship ought to be shared and distributed equally between the pair — of course, under firm, documented stipulations.

If you find my attributes desirable and believe that your intellect can match mine, please message for a social interview.

Love,

Lisa

ABBY WILLIAMS

Freshman female seeking athletic, intelligent, rich, emotionally-invested and tall upperclassman, preferably born in the month of April.

I’m a very laid back lady; I never make ridiculous demands or expect too much from people.

The rundown:

Really smart.

Really pretty.

Really humble.

Stopped working on personality when boobs got big enough.

Sarcastic, often offensive.

Large vocabulary of incredibly vulgar words.

Hates beaches and long walks on them.

My ideal date is a Virgin Galactic tour of space. If this is a little out of your price range, my second ideal date is scuba diving on the Great Barrier Reef.

If you’re interested, call me only if you meet all of the desired characteristics listed in my headline. Don’t waste my time, midgets. My future children won’t thank you for that particular genetic gift.

xoxo Abby