Ask Alexis: Thesis Tips

Dear Alexis,

Winter break is coming up, and I’d much rather chill with my friends than write my thesis, but it’s starting to get down to the wire. How can I work on my thesis without stress?

— Screwed Senior

Dear Screwed,

Three words: infinite monkey theorem. You know the theory that if you give a monkey a typewriter and allow him to bang on it for an infinite amount of time, he will eventually write your thesis for you? No? Maybe I made that up. At any rate, it wouldn’t work anyway, since you decidedly do not have an infinite amount of time. Plus, the monkeys aren’t allowed out of the basement of Green Hall.

Replace the monkeys with freshmen. There’s not much of a difference, honestly: Neither knows anything about how to write a thesis, and they both fling their poop at people.

If you can’t force (did I say force? I meant encourage) freshmen to slam their nubby fingers onto a keyboard until they accidentally write a Marxist analysis of “War and Peace” in time for your next thesis meeting, it’s time for strategy number two.

When writing anything, it’s important to make it fun for yourself. When I write, I like to do it in the tub — I’ve gone through six laptops this year. You need to find what makes you happy. Is it Christmas music? Is it watching others suffer? Is it a combination of those two things? Just to help you out, I’m making an inspirational film of people stepping on rakes and getting hit in the face to the tune of “Frosty the Snowman.” You’re welcome, Class of 2011. You’re welcome.