Ask Alexis: The gift of thrift

Dear Alexis,

I want to give my girlfriend a great Christmas gift, but I don’t have any ideas. Can you help me?

— Ebenezer Screwed

Dear Ebenezer,

The choice you make depends completely on how much money you’re willing to spend, which, in turn, depends on how much you love your girlfriend. Let’s assume that you’d rather not spend a lot of money. In this case, you have to make your gift. Put your blood, sweat and tears into a personalized (and cheap) gift.

You know what doesn’t cost any money? Personal embarrassment for her enjoyment. I’m talkin’ naked pictures. Public displays of affection. Heartfelt poetry. The more private the things you share with her, the better. She will probably laugh at you, but that’s what you get for not spending any money, cheapskate.

If you love her, you’ll spend some dough. Speaking of dough, buy her a Krispy Kreme franchise. That stuff is like crack, and there are fewer and fewer places to get them nowadays. Plus, once she gets fat, you won’t have to pretend to love her anymore. You don’t have to buy Christmas gifts for an ex. In fact, please don’t. Stop contacting me.

But if you want her to love you forever, you have to give her something that will last forever: herpes.