Keeping in touch

Princeton students come from a variety of different places with different sets of priorities. But one of the experiences that we all have in common is our navigation of family relationships. Although the lives we lead at home are complex and nuanced and differ from family to family, I assume that everyone is working to create a balance between familial connection and independence.

Despite the ubiquity of this pursuit of balance, I have not had conversations with any of my peers about either the best way to communicate with family or the amount of communication that is appropriate. This is likely due to the personal nature of such a conversation, but it is curious that the subject has not been broached.

On a personal note: I live 3,000 miles away, my parents both work full-time jobs, and I am studying 70 percent of my waking hours. Life is as busy now as it has ever been for all parties concerned. At the same time, though, I believe that it is particularly important at this juncture in my life to stay in touch with my parents, as this is my first experience living full time on my own. I am sure that variations of this situation are common among us.

I have heard stories of some rather unhealthy relationships. I have a friend attending the University of California, Los Angeles, who, my father tells me, has left his mother in tears because three months into school, he has yet to call home. My mother playfully reminds me that I am woefully unlike my friend at Barnard who calls home on a daily basis to wish her parents good night. In my mind, these two extremes are abnormal and will likely evolve into a more balanced situation. But then again, there will be no evolution without concerted effort from the students.

In order to keep in touch with my parents, I have institutionalized the process of calling home, so that it happens at a regular, natural time. Upon the eve of every Sabbath, I call my father and mother for the ritual “blessing of the children.” By tying my communication with them to a predictable and habitual religious act, I have ensured that I remain in contact. This weekly phone call is not a limiting agent that I have set upon myself. If I need to call my folks over the course of the week regarding anything else, I still do so. They, in turn, are comfortable contacting me about anything on their minds, and they know they will get through to me.

The issue of keeping in touch with family is, for many of us, a pragmatic one. We get so caught up in the rush of school that the amount of focus and energy we reserve for our family necessarily diminishes. Sports practices, drama rehearsals, school publications, class work, community service, paid jobs — they occupy so much of our mental capacity that we barely remember to eat and sleep, let alone call people hundreds or thousands of miles away. This is not the case for our parents; for them, our new physical distance amounts to something of a heavy emotional taxation. I am not saying that there is not a serious emotional component for the student. I am saying, however, that we are busy getting caught up in the exploration of the new, while our absence is far more noticeable for our parents as a change to their routine.

This issue of calling home is not unique to Princeton, nor is it unique to our college years. I dealt with similar issues during various summer internships abroad, dating back not that long ago to my junior year of high school, and we will need to strike a balance long after college is over. Now is as good a time as any to set a precedent.

I posit that it is our job, over the course of these four years, to set that precedent and to take an active role in shaping the future of our relationships with our parents. Ultimately, it is for our own good. The story of my friend in UCLA continues with his mother driving down from Northern California and surprising him by showing up in his dorm room. She claimed that had he called her, he would have known about this “planned visit.” In my opinion, all it takes is a phone call or two a week to let your folks know that you are doing all right and, perhaps, even thinking of them.