Ask the Sexpert: Sept. 30, 2010

Dear Sexpert,

I have always considered myself a feminist and have spent a good deal of my time working on projects promoting awareness about sexual assault. Despite all my beliefs, however, I still often fantasize about being dominated - including being tied up and even raped. But I'm so disturbed by these fantasies that if I start thinking about them too much, I'm turned off. Is this normal? I would like to ask my boyfriend to explore some of these fantasies with me, but how do I explain them to him without appearing like a freak, especially when I'm still having trouble reconciling my intellectual beliefs and my sexual fantasies?

-Knotty Girl

Dear Knotty,

Let me start off by saying that it is not uncommon to have fantasies about being dominated. In fact, research suggests that 50 percent of women have at one time or another had a rape fantasy, while a much higher percentage have had fantasies about lesser forms of domination. And rape and domination fantasies are not just in the minds of women; men also have fantasies about their partner sexually dominating them.

You say that you are having trouble reconciling your values with your sexual fantasies, and again I will say this is not uncommon: Lots of people fantasize about things they would never wish to actually happen - like sex with a stranger or sex in a public place. Thus, while you may fantasize about being dominated or raped, it in no way suggests that you condone sexual assault, and it certainly does not mean that you actually wish to be sexually assaulted.

If you are having trouble compartmentalizing your sexual fantasies as separate from your social beliefs, it might be helpful to think about why you find sexual domination so exciting in the first place. Do you enjoy having someone else take control of your sexuality? Many people have domination fantasies because it makes them believe that they're so desirable to their partner that he or she can't resist them. Even if these aren't the reasons, by thinking rationally about your fantasies, you may find that they aren't at odds with your social values.

Finally, as to how to introduce this fantasy to your boyfriend, try having a frank talk with him about what you each enjoy sexually. Tell your boyfriend you've fantasized about him taking more control in the bedroom and, if he's open to it, explore what this would mean to each of you. It could be as simple as introducing more spontaneity into your sex life or having your boyfriend take the lead in choosing the type of sex acts you do together. Some people find that just having their hands tied together is enough to satisfy their domination fantasies, while other people take it to the next level. You should come up with a safe word with your boyfriend before trying any dominating scenarios, so that it doesn't go beyond what either of you are comfortable with.

Remember, not all men will be comfortable with being a part of a domination fantasy, so please respect his discomfort if he says no. It doesn't mean he thinks you're a freak - just that you and him have different ideas of what's sexually exciting.

- The Sexpert

The Sexpert is written by a team of peer sexual health educators and fact-checked by University health professionals. You can submit questions to sexpert@dailyprincetonian.com. Don't be shy!