Ask Alexis: Spring Fever!

Dear Alexis,

Now that it's getting warm out, I'm having trouble concentrating on my schoolwork. How am I supposed to write a paper when all I want to do is frolic outside?

- Spring Fever in South Baker

Dear Spring Fever,

You have a few good options here. My first suggestion is that you try to work outside. In theory, this means you can enjoy the sunshine and be productive at the same time. But give it a try and you'll see that in practice, things usually turn out rather differently. Just put out a towel and lie down on Alexander Beach. No one will bother you. Squirrels will not eat your snacks. You won't get sunburned. And you definitely won't fall asleep after deciding that it's not worth it to fight the glare on your computer. Seriously, people who work outside are like people who work in Cafe Viv - they're just pretending.

If this is not enough incentive to stay inside, then you're just going to have to learn to detest the outdoors. Personally, I'm the kind of girl who prefers a coat tree to an oak tree any day, and if you follow my three easy steps, you, too, can hate nature with all the burning flame of a forest fire.

Step One: Wear your winter coat. All spring. Anytime you go outside, wear that big, puffy down thing that you've been snuggled up in all winter. That way, you'll be so miserable outside that you'll be dying for the cool, air-conditioned sanctuary of Firestone.

Step Two: Develop an intense phobia of squirrels. First, have a friend catch one. I know that sounds impossible, but just e-mail me - I know some people. Then have your friend lock you in a room with it. After just a few minutes you'll A) need a rabies shot, and B) run for cover every time you see a squirrel. Foolproof. Except for the rabies part.

Step Three: Spend 15 minutes researching the effects of sun exposure on the skin. Did you know that after 30 minutes in the sun, your skin begins to produce high levels of methane gas? Do you want to contribute to global warming?

And if none of these reasons are enough to convince you, I just have to tell you a little secret that will make you hide indoors forever: Those mirrored aviators that you wear all summer? They're hideous.

Stay Inside,

Alexis