It's the beginning of the school year, and we all want to make a good first impression. You will spend more time choosing your outfit and doing your hair for class in these next few weeks than you will for the rest of the year. That is, unless you happen to have an encounter with the one and only barrier to first-month-of-school sexiness: the swine flu.
I'm here to keep you looking hot while you're feeling feverish. You'll be working the pale and clammy look in no time.
First, you need to know how to work the facemask. In other countries (mainly Japan), companies are manufacturing facemasks adorned with everything from flowers to cartoon characters. If you don't want to invest in one of those, I would suggest decorating your own.
Get a bunch of them, and decorate each with a different mouth, one for every mood: one with a big toothy grin, one with sexy pursed lips and one with a frown. If you're suffering from the flu, you'll probably reach for the frowny one more than the others, but it's always nice to have options.
Get your friends to sign your mask like they would sign a cast. The only issue there is how to get your friends near enough to do so.
You're probably thinking, ‘Alexis, how am I supposed to show off my sexy new look while I'm confined to my dorm room?' The answer is this: the internet! Create a blog detailing your four-day staycation. Post pictures of yourself and complain about how bad you feel and how lonely you are. You're sure to be an internet sensation in no time.
But the truth is, the internet is not always enough. What, you may ask, am I supposed to do alone in my room for days on end?
First, it depends on how sick you're feeling. If you're on death's door, for example, the only thing you can do is write poetry. Sad, sad poetry. Not only will it keep you occupied, but the worse you feel, the more moving your poetry will be. Case in point:
My hand, a cold, bony wing,
My eyes, no longer windows, but shadowy chimneys,
No one can see into my soul.
My chest is full,
Not with love, but with congestion.
You get the gist. And I wrote that while just imagining to be sick. Picture how deep and dark your poetry will be when you're actually hacking up a phlegm-ball. Nassau Literary Review, here we come.
And if you really start to crave companionship, you may want to ask a friend to come over. I know, I know, no contact with the outside world, but your friend can always sit in the hallway outside your door and talk to you through it. It won't be embarrassing or uncomfortable for them at all.
Finally, if none of these suggestions appeals to you, you could always do your homework. But if there ever were a time to skip that, this would be it, right?
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