All the single ladies

It's February, and you know what that means: Groundhog Day, Black History Month and — the bane of the single woman's existence — Valentine's Day.

Though there has been a recent influx of pop songs celebrating the life of the single woman, we have one last hurdle to overcome before we can fully rejoice in our independence. That obstacle is Valentine's Day, when we happily single women suddenly become crazed, depressed loons. But fear not, my lady friends: I have a plan.

During traumatizing events such as Valentine's Day, it is important to be able to soothe oneself. If this holiday reminds us of anything, it's that we all go out of this world the way we entered it — alone. That's what Valentine's Day is about, right? Keeping that in mind, we must learn to take care of ourselves this Feb. 14.

My suggestion? Be your own Valentine. I mean this in both the figurative and literal sense. Here are some tips on how to make your Valentine's Day as realistic as possible. It'll be just like you have a boyfriend.

1. Buy yourself something nice. Then awkwardly remind yourself that you've only been dating for five weeks and that it's a bit soon to be giving yourself red lingerie. Chocolate might have been slightly more appropriate.

2. Plan a romantic dinner with yourself at a nice restaurant in town. Write it on your calendar. Get dressed up. Wear perfume. Then don't show. Stand yourself up, and never talk to yourself again. A month later, run into yourself in Frist and awkwardly break it to yourself that you weren't really ready for a serious relationship.

3. Buy yourself some chocolates. Then gape at yourself in disgust as you devour them all in one sitting.

4. Make a grand, embarrassing gesture of some kind. Interrupt ECO 101: Introduction to Macroeconomics to read a personal love poem to yourself. Stand on a table in the dining hall and sing "I Will Always Love You," inserting your own name into the chorus. Wear a sandwich board that says "I heart [your name]" around campus all day. You'll thank yourself later, even if you respond angrily at the time. I promise.

5. Go to a Valentine's Day party filled with other couples. Stand in the corner and talk only to yourself. If another girl tries to talk to you, get inordinately jealous and shout, "It's Valentine's Day! This is the one day a year you have to pay attention to me!" and run out of the room sobbing.

Happy Valentine's Day from one single lady to another.