Club rifle team goes Capone on fencing team

The match pitted two squads with proud traditions against each other. Given that both sports have a long and bloody history, it was inevitable that the members of each team would take the showdown more seriously than a typical scrimmage.

“Oh, we were fired up,” Blackwell said. “They were trash-talking before, for sure. They said only sissies dueled with guns.”

Before the competition, Princeton’s fencers had expressed optimism, noting that their combination of speed and agility would be difficult for the rifle team to overcome. In particular, head coach Zoltan Dudas stressed the lack of athleticism required to participate in the latter sport.

“The entire sport involves standing as still as possible,” Dudas said mournfully. “I was sure that would turn the match in our favor, which is why I agreed to it originally.”

Dudas could only shake his head after the match, burying his face in his hands.

“They brought those … those damned fire-sticks with them,” Dudas said. “I’ve never seen anything like it. It reminded me of the stories my parents told me about living under Stalin.”

Due to the uneven numbers, many of the rifle team’s members were forced to compete two or three times. Fatigue, however, was not a problem for the shooters.

“I didn’t find it incredibly taxing,” freshman and Olympian Sandra Fong said after completing a stretch of three consecutive victories. “Honestly, 90 percent of the game is half-mental, so it’s just about focusing on doing what needs to be done.”

Fong defeated seniors Jasjit Bhinder and Jessica Fields before taking down sophomore Lyuba Docheva. Docheva attempted an innovative stratagem, hurling her sabre at Fong from long-range. Fong nimbly sidestepped the attempt, however, and finished the contest quickly.

“They were just such a strong team, I’m really proud that we beat them,” Fong said.

Fong’s sister, junior Abigail Fong, was more evocative in her descriptions of the scrimmage.

“We slayed them bitches,” Fong said.

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Before the match, the fencing team had been riding a hot streak, defeating Penn State in an astonishing upset victory. Dudas speculated that the intersquad scrimmage was a natural letdown.

“We probably looked past them a little bit,” Dudas said.

Senior Paul Markoff had arguably the best day in the men’s bracket, defeating five opponents handily

“I shot from the hip a little bit,” Markoff said in an e-mail. “I mean, in the real world, when a dude runs at you with a fucking sword, you don’t always have time to aim.”

Senior epee Max Peck was the sole surviving member of the team following the match. Peck was unashamed to admit that he faked food poisoning after witnessing the first 15 minutes of the scrimmage.

“I saw the writing on the wall,” Peck said.

Other members of the fencing team could not be reached for comment.

The rifle team, meanwhile, found little success in its efforts to schedule other intersquad scrimmages. Head coach Joe Sundra remained optimistic, however.

“As long as we can get these charges bumped down to second-degree manslaughter, we should be in good shape,” Sundra said.

This article is part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.