All the eating clubs dreamed of their holiday treat.
Visions of sugar plums danced in their heads;
Well, no, that's a lie, for it must be said
That for sugar-plum-quality kind of food,
It's only Colonial or Charter, dude.
They hung up their stockings by their chimneys with care
Hoping Fire Safety would not be there
To ruin their Christmas anticipation
With an anti-stocking fire code violation.
They all watched the sky hoping Santa would tarry
Except those who looked for the Hanukkah fairy.
Then suddenly, happily, Ivy did say,
"Hey, look over there, guys! I see Santa's sleigh!"
Sure enough, then, the fat man came speeding
Toward the eager clubs, which awaited his greeting.
But when he landed, to their great surprise,
They saw that the twinkle had gone from his eyes.
"What's wrong?" they demanded, filled with resentment
At the thought that they might not be given a present.
Santa spoke angrily: "Your administration
Has caused me far too much aggravation.
They took all your presents, and what did they do?
Gave them to residential colleges instead of you!"
Each of the eating clubs shuddered in fear,
Remembering Spelmangate of last year
And noting the trend with a hate so intense
Of building one system at the other's expense.
"I know!" yelled TI, cheap beer on its breath,
"We'll battle the colleges! Fight to the death!"
The others dismissed this as overrated
For TI was, as always, inebriated,
But Cottage remarked, "That's not a bad thought.
Just look at the angst that has so far been wrought
Over this dual system Princeton installed.
Perhaps we should settle this, once and for all!"
Ivy scowled at the thought that TI could be right
But most of the rest liked the thought of a fight.
"Hold up!" yelled Cloister. "It's all fine for you,
But I'm the one the police want to sue!
I don't think the judges would be too happy
If they saw me attacking Rocky and Mathey."
But the other clubs proclaimed it was best
For Cloister to join in their epic quest.
And besides, it would be fun for the lawyers to handle
A case that was not the same old drinking scandal.
And so they set off, armed with wristbands and passes,
While Santa yelled out from behind, "Kick their asses!"
Under the eerie light of a mostly full moon
The clubs and the colleges met, knowing soon
That one group would win the infamous fight
To be waged on Cannon Green that night.
Poor Butler sat out, still hurt from its fall
From getting hit by last year's wrecking ball.
Rocky moved first, while behind him the song
"Eye of the Tiger" played loud and strong
The club with the athletes, Cap & Gown,
Went out intending to take Rocky down;
But both had to stop before they could fight
For just at that moment a large blinding light
Lit up the night that was so dark and scary.
"I knew it!!!" yelled Tower. "The Hanukkah Fairy!!!"
As the clubs and colleges gazed on in shock,
The Hanukkah Fairy told them, "Now STOP.
I'm ashamed of you all! Just look what you've done!
What makes you think that just one
Of Princeton's eating options can survive?
The fact is you both can exist and thrive!
We don't need to be in this situation.
And at fault are both students and administration
For thinking that one must threaten the other
Instead of regarding each one as another
Option for students that's equally good.
And so the administration really should
Stop always putting the colleges first.
But students should not just assume the worst
And think a hidden agenda can be found
In every decision Old Nassau hands down!"
And the clubs and the colleges all did say
That they were ashamed to have acted this way.
And the fairy called down as she flew out of sight,
"Happy Holidays to All, and to All a Good Night!"
Christine Brozynski is a politics major from Mendham, N.J. She can be reached at cbrozyns@princeton.edu.
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