Ask The Sexpert — Nov. 13, 2008

I'm approaching the longest period of time without having sex that I've had since I started having sex for the first time, and I'm feeling really sexually frustrated. I am not dating anyone, and my last few sexual partners weren't the nicest people, but I'm getting to the point where I'm considering approaching them to hook up again. I know this isn't a great idea, but I feel like I don't have any options, and I really don't' want to increase the number of people I've had sex with. What should I do?

-Dying in a Drought

Dear Drought,

I completely understand why you're concerned, but I think that it's most important to remember that you shouldn't do anything that compromises your values or comfort zone. I know sex is really important to you, but if the people you've recently been with haven't treated you well, going back to them may not be a good idea. I also think that if you're not comfortable increasing your number of sexual partners, you should avoid that. There isn't a set number of sexual partners that is acceptable, and the decision to have sex with someone you don't know very well or are not dating is completely in your hands (and there is no right answer, just something that feels right for you), but if you know what you're comfortable with and it doesn't include having sex with a new person, that's another line you don't want to cross.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to experiment with self-stimulation, if you feel comfortable with that. The experience isn't the same, but maybe you can think of your "drought" as not a drought, but rather a chance to find out what you really like so that the next time you get together with someone, you have an even better time! Having intercourse is just one of many ways that you can feel satisfied, and hopefully you can experiment with other options and learn what makes you feel good so that you stop thinking about periods without sex as droughts!

-The Sexpert

Dear Sexpert,

I want to set my friend up because I think she's sexually frustrated, but she's resisted all of my attempts to find someone for her to hook up with. I found some totally amazing guys, but she just avoids me when I try to tell her that she should get together with them, and she's even stopped going out with me because she's so disinterested in talking to these guys. What should I do? I feel like her sexual frustration is negatively affecting my life because she's been so grumpy lately.

-Yenta in Need

Dear Yenta,

First of all, your friend may be grumpy for a variety of reasons, many of which probably have nothing to do with her sexual activity - it's not fair to her to oversimplify her problems and blame everything on sexual frustration. Try talking to her; maybe your advances are actually increasing her stress and frustration with other areas of her life. Princeton is a high-stress place, and she might be struggling with academic, extra-curricular, or personal frustrations that she doesn't want to share with you or with other people with whom she's close.

Second of all, not everyone is comfortable hooking up with random people, and even if your friend is, consider that your advances may seem awkward and make her feel really uncomfortable. You may not know what sort of person she's interested in (consider that you may not be sure of her sexual preference), and she may not like your ideas, but it's also possible that she isn't interested in making a connection with someone she doesn't know and isn't comfortable with. Sexual frustration is definitely a real thing, but even if it is the source of her bad moods, you shouldn't push her toward hooking up with people or even toward finding someone to date if she's not ready to move in that direction. Let her know directly when her actions toward you are affecting your life and when she's being rude to you — maybe she hasn't even noticed. And be supportive: She might need you right now, and if you're pushing her in a direction that makes her uncomfortable, she'll probably be more receptive to your suggestions if she feels that you're not trying to steer her life in a direction that she's not ready for.