Fantasy? Give me reality any day of the week

This year I made the mistake, for the first time in my life, of signing up to play Yahoo!’s free fantasy football game, joining a 10-team league with a bunch of people from my home state of North Carolina and entering a team I dubbed “Bojangles F.C.” (an homage to my two loves, the other “football” and the best fried chicken and biscuits restaurant ever).

Here’s a brief overview for those who haven’t played: You draft a certain number of players onto your “team” and you accumulate points based on their real-life statistics. Your league has a draft, and after the draft you can add unclaimed “free agents” or propose trades to another team. Then, each week, your team goes against another team, and whoever accumulates the most fake points wins. (Apparently people have been doing this since before the internet, a time I’m not old enough to remember, but it seems like that would’ve been a huge pain in the butt. Thanks, I can do addition, but I’d rather have the mouse on a treadmill inside my machine do it for me.) So it’s simple, right?

Problem No. 1: When you have a fantasy team, you find yourself rooting for the weirdest things. For example, going into the Monday night game this week, I held a slim margin over my opponent. He had Saints running back Deuce McAllister left to play, and I had the Vikings’ defense (side note: instead of individuals, you pick a team defense, unless you are a huge nerd). Had I been watching this game without this fake stake in the outcome, I would have been entertained by Reggie Bush’s spectacular punt returns, New Orleans’ modest comeback and Minnesota’s last-minute theatrics to win the game. Because of my fake stake, though, I wanted a low-scoring, in-the-trenches, slow-down slugfest such that Minnesota allowed few points and McAllister saw little forward progress.

Problem No. 2: Your real team often conflicts with your fantasy team. In week three, the Minnesota Vikings played the Carolina Panthers. Normally, my Julius Peppers “Fathead” and I root for a rousing Panthers victory, but this time I was faced with a stunning conflict of interest. Rather than root for another ugly game, I benched the Vikings’ defense for the Cardinals’. Well, the Cardinals got beat up by the Redskins that week, and the Vikings’ defense stifled the Panthers. My real team lost, and my fake team lost, too. How long ’til basketball season?

Problem No. 3: My team is terrible. I had the last draft pick in my league, meaning I had the 10th pick in round one, first pick in round two, 10th in round three, etc., until 16 players had been selected. My first two picks were Clinton Portis and Marshawn Lynch. It all went wrong from there. I read the “expert” advice and drafted quarterback Derek Anderson. He’s terrible. I read the “expert” advice and drafted Chad Javon Ocho Cinco nee Johnson. Too bad they don’t award points for idiocy. Vernon Davis? Are you even trying?

To be fair, my team is now holding steady at 2-3, despite having scored only the eighth-most points of the 10 teams. Anderson and Ocho Cinco have long since been replaced by the 49ers’ tandem of J.T. O’Sullivan (who knew?) and Isaac Bruce. Lynch and Portis have been solid. I even have a new appreciation for Josh Scobee.

Maybe, depending on the moves I make, I’ll end the season on a positive note and start liking fantasy football. But you know what? As long as the Panthers keep winning this year (knock on wood), I’ll be alright with Bojangles F.C. staying in the league cellar.