Sorry, Cubs fans. You’re not winning it all

Unfortunately for North Siders, those winsome garments will not be worn in the Windy City. That’s right, I’m calling it: The Cubs make it to the World Series this year but retain their reputation as loveable losers. And the truckloads of pre-produced championship gear go the way of all those “New England Patriots — 2008 Super Bowl Champions” hoodies.

As for the actual champion? Let’s go through the matchups.

National League Division Series

Well, it’s no secret that I’m picking the Cubs over the Dodgers here. But this is going to be surprisingly close. Los Angeles outfielder Manny Ramirez is just plain scary, and the starting rotation that has kept Chicago at the top of the division is hurting. Carlos Zambrano and Rich Harden, the Cubs’ purported aces, both missed time in September with disconcerting injuries. Chicago’s savior will be oft-neglected righthander Ryan Dempster, who posted a 17-6 record and 2.96 ERA this season. Yes, that Ryan Dempster.

In the other matchup, the wildcard Brewers are going to take down the Phillies. Philadelphia’s Ryan Howard led the league with 48 homers and 146 RBI, but he also struck out 199 times. Milwaukee will pitch around Howard and go after star second baseman Chase Utley, who hit only eight second-half homers. Ryan Braun and Prince Fielder will tee off on the soft underbelly of the Phillies’ rotation, which includes every pitcher not named Cole Hamels.

American League Division Series

Last year’s champions, the Boston Red Sox, take on that other Los Angeles team. The Angels happen to have the best record in all of baseball, but past results aren’t going to matter much when they run into the Sox. Boston may have traded away Ramirez, but it got leftfielder Jason Bay in return. Bay clearly feels at home at Fenway: He hit .293 after the trade and finished the year with 31 home runs.

Look for the Sox to take the first game behind comeback kid of the year Jon Lester, and don’t be surprised if ace Josh Beckett is the one slamming the door in game three. Mark Teixeira, the Angels’ most dangerous bat, also happens to be a playoff novice. Beginner’s luck only gets you so far, and this year, so far means a first-round playoff exit.

The other series is less interesting. I’m going to pick the Rays in five, mainly because the White Sox will be thrown off rhythm by their play-in game. The huge talent deficit — the Rays feature former No. 1 picks up and down the roster — also won’t help.

Championship Series

CC Sabathia’s arm will fall off. The league’s largest lefty has thrown 253 innings this year after a 241-inning 2007 season. And this problem isn’t going to be solved with a few ugly sutures. Sabathia looked tired in last year’s playoffs, when he compiled an 8.8 ERA. It could be worse this year, especially against the Cubs’ deep lineup. Worried about Alfonso Soriano, Aramis Ramirez or Derrek Lee? Chicago catcher Geovany Soto and second baseman Mark DeRosa both hit better than .280 and blasted more than 20 homers. The Cubs win the pennant in six games.

The American League champion, meanwhile, will be either the junior circuit’s best team of the last five years or its absolute worst. Guess which one I’m picking? The Rays — who in 10 years as the Devil Rays finished last in their division every single year — will extend their miracle season by defeating the Red Sox in the playoffs’ best series.

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Boston’s Daisuke Matsuzaka, who has walked an absurd five batters per nine innings, will implode before our eyes, and the Rays will eke by the Sox in seven games. The only question is how many fans in Tampa Bay will bother to show up and witness it.

World Series

Tampa Bay’s healthy starting rotation runs into the Cubs’ ailing one. Harden, whom the Cubs added in July to make a World Series run, leaves his start early with an oblique strain. Alfonso Soriano performs his signature leap to make a routine catch, straining his hamstring again. Chicago fans attempt to exorcise the demons by hunting down and tarring and feathering Steve Bartman. Federal Witness Protection and a good fake mustache prove good enough to hide the infamous Bartman, however, and the Cubs fall in six games.

Two weeks after the World Series win and the resulting flood of merchandise sales, the Rays trade away every player making more than the rookie minimum and resume their spot in the American League East cellar.