In dodgeball, five Ds are the key to mastery

The dodgeball tournament is also an immensely important mechanism needed to maintain certain divisions on campus. How else would the College Democrats and College Republicans — or Butler and Wilson colleges — renew their age-old hatred of each other? Presidential elections only happen every four years, and they get boring pretty fast anyway. Nailing a vociferous pro-choice (or pro-life) activist right in the stomach, however, never gets old.

With that in mind, I’d like to present some of the fundamental principles of this great and uniquely American sport we call dodgeball: the five Ds.

Dominate

This is the most obvious principle, but in many ways it’s the hardest to master. You really have to work hard to embarrass your opponent at every level of the game. You can’t just hit them; you want to hit them where it hurts. You can’t just catch the ball, pretend to bobble it and then lay out to make the dramatic catch. Mock your opponents by coyly turning your back to them, and then do a flip when you hear the ball whizzing toward you.

The key point here is that you don’t simply want to beat your opponents; you want to make them feel bad about themselves. If you do the job right, those poor kids will walk off the court, crawl back to their dorm rooms, call their mommies and cry. The next day, they’ll wake up, and they won’t be able to write a word of their junior papers. A week later, they’ll be in McCosh Health Center getting professional counseling.

And you’ll be a dodgeball champion.

Deflect

In contrast to domination, deflection is one of the finer points of the game and is only recommended for those who have mastered the plebeian aspects of the sport. Put simply, the principle is this: Sissies dodge and superstars deflect. Instead of moving out of the way of an incoming ball and proving that you have the courage of a small twittering bird, use your own ball as a shield and knock it away.

If you time this move correctly, their ball will sail in the air and be easy pickings for you or one of your teammates to catch. It doesn’t feel quite as good as hitting someone, but they’re still out.

Get the best of the ‘Prince’ delivered straight to your inbox. Subscribe now »

Demean and Demoralize

“You suck” has been out of vogue since second grade. One aspect of the game that most people tend to neglect instead of perfect is their trash-talking. But trash-talking is probably one of the most crucial aspects of any sport — check out Zidane in the closing minutes of the 2006 World Cup. Trash-talking throws off your opponents’ composure and forces them into bad decisions. And I’m going to let you in on one of sports’ worst-kept secrets: Trash-talking makes just about any game a lot more fun.

Among the most popular topics of insults: close family members, particularly females; facial characteristics or general physical appearance; embarrassing stories you’ve heard about people or things you have witnessed on the Street; and genitalia. Mix up your insults so that they don’t lose their impact, and engage in creative combinations to get your nemeses really riled up (for instance, combine the first element on that list with the last and watch the fireworks begin!).

After you improve on your initial volley, you should also work on your repartees. Nothing is better than a witty comeback, and while I can’t provide an example (since I don’t have anything to respond to), let me just suggest a good generic comeback: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over your suck.”

Divide

Another standard strategy in any game — as seen in the third book of Sun Tzu’s “The Art of War and the Divine Essence of Dodgeball” — is divide and conquer. If your opponents are presenting a strong unified front, do anything you can to separate them. This will disrupt the coordination of their attacks and compromise the impenetrability of their defense, as well as opening up vulnerable flanks where you can focus your attacks.

Dividing is a delicate task that requires great subtlety. A good example of this comes in the movie “Mean Girls,” in which Cady Heron (played by a pre-cocaine Lindsay Lohan) fractures the solidarity of the plastics by fabricating a feud between Gretchen Wieners and Regina George. Watch this movie at least two or three times before coming to the tournament: Its concentrated shot of Machiavellian ruthlessness mixed with delightful teen comedy is as powerful a mixture as a vodka tonic.

Disgust

This year, a new rule is in place allowing teams to design their own costumes. Don’t think of this as an annoyance or as an opportunity to wear that cute new skirt you’ve been dying to try out. Dress, like everything else, is a part of strategy. In particular, you want your costume to be so hideously disgusting and outrageous that the other team feels offended just by looking at it. Remember the dominatrix outfits that the Average Joes wear in the movie? That was seriously crazy, like a fox. Make your opponents’ stomachs turn at the sight of your pretended or actual sexual deviancy. I guarantee there won’t be any elegantly dressed dandies in the winners’ circle at the end of the night.

Well, that’s all the advice I can drop at the moment. If I think of something else, I’ll probably have to save it in reserve. After all, you can’t let everyone in on all your secrets — and The Daily Princetonian needs a little something extra, anyway, if we’re going to beat those punks over at the Triangle Club.