Ask The Sexpert — May 1, 2008

I was invited to Houseparties by a good friend, and I said I would go with him. I'm really excited, but I realize that I don't really know how to act with him on the Street in front of his friends, at his club, etc. What is appropriate etiquette in terms of behavior at one of these events?

- Confused by Manners

Dear Confused by Manners,

You are completely correct in your assumption that standards of etiquette are different during formal events as opposed to a normal night out on the Street. Not only is everyone better dressed and more put together, but Houseparties really is supposed to be a fun three days for everyone involved. No one should ever feel uncomfortable, either with their own behavior or that of others. Especially as a guest, you should be on your best behavior. This means using your best eating manners (start with the little fork and knife on the respective outsides and move in) as well as all of your social graces, sexual or otherwise. Think of it as similar to going to a fancy event with your date's extended family: He knows everyone and you don't, so any choices you make should probably lean to the more conservative side to prevent any unfortunate faux pas.

That being said, as with all issues of appropriate behavior, there are no steady rules, but I can offer a few guidelines. And while every group of friends and every club on the Street is different, there are some pretty simple steps to ensure that you and your date feel good all weekend and beyond.

Guideline #1: Decide what you are comfortable with

This should always be the first thing you do in any situation, but I feel that it really can't be stressed enough. Houseparties is at a time of the year when everyone just wants to let off steam, and that takes different forms. For example, if you're not comfortable drinking as much as everyone else, don't do so. But if you do feel comfortable in a given situation, as long as it seems appropriate (see below for helpful hints on this), then go for it! You've survived another year at Princeton, and you deserve to treat yourself to a weekend of good company and good music.

Guideline #2: Talk to your date

Communication with others as well as with yourself is very important. Ask your date what he thinks the general feelings of his group of friends and his club's officers/members are. After all, he is their club member/friend, so he probably has a pretty good idea of what is and is not appropriate. Ask if there are any rules against certain forms of behavior in the club during Houseparties. You may already have certain opinions of the club, but check just to make sure. For example, what is the attitude toward heavy versus light drinking or toward public displays of affection? Especially if you're going just as friends, it might be proper to ask if you'll be spending most of your time with other friends or as a couple, and to make sure that you're comfortable with that arrangement. Your date may also have very clear ideas about how he wants to act with his friends or at his club, and the only way for you to find those out is to ask. After all, he asked you to Houseparties, so you can put yourself on the line and ask some questions to make sure that all goes well. You'll both really appreciate being on the same page, I promise.

Guideline #3: Notice what other people are doing at Houseparties

Don't do what everyone else is doing just because everyone else is doing it (see Guideline #1) but do make sure that your actions are not overstepping those of the majority. Notice how your date's friends act: Is everyone milling around, or are they being couple-y? For example, if everyone else is dancing, then you should feel free to do the same. But if people are standing around and talking, that might not be the best time to show your date, friend or more than friend how to do the bump-and-grind. This will keep you on clear ground with your date's friends as well as the rest of the club. Plus, it's a good thing to do even if you've been to the club before. Houseparties is a special occasion, and what might be fine on a normal Thursday or Saturday could become totally inappropriate.

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Guideline #4: Don't drink too much

I know that I said you should make your own decisions, but no matter how old you are, this is always a safe bet. Drinking increases the risk of contracting an STI as well as the risk of doing something sexual that you aren't comfortable with or sexual assault. Not drinking heavily also prevents you from looking foolish (you don't want to be "that date who got really drunk"), and it helps you maintain your own sense of judgment and get a clear vibe from the other people in the room on how to act.

A few additional no-brainers: Try to stay with your date, and certainly alert your date if you're going home or otherwise leaving. It's polite and keeps your date from thinking he's lost his guest. Try not to spill on yourself or others, and if you don't like something, simply refrain from eating or drinking it rather than making a fuss.

If you follow the above guidelines and use a little common sense, I have no doubt that you'll have a great weekend. After all, this is supposed to be a good time. Enjoy Houseparties!

- Sexpert