The military and "That Guy"

Does someone you know have a problem with binge drinking? Do you want to know which pick up lines not to use while drunk? Look no further than thatguy.com, the Pentagon's latest effort to educate the armed forces and anyone else who's potentially interested about the importance of avoiding excess alcohol consumption.

According to the website, "That Guy" is "anyone who after drinking excessive amounts of alcohol loses control of self or situation with humiliating or compromising results." You are to avoid becoming "That Guy." Still don't get the message? You can watch "That Guy" get knocked out in a boxing ring after he fails to win the heart of his romantic desire, or learn about eight types of "That Guy": "The Comedian Guy," "The Angry Guy," "The Dancing Guy," "The Downer Guy," "The Drama Queen," "The Life of the Party Guy," "The Player Guy" and "The Risky Guy." At the very least I'm glad I learned that my friends who are dancers might also be binge drinkers.

The thatguy.com campaign cost the Department of Defense (DOD) $2 million (naturally, we wouldn't want to spare any opportunity to dish out some money to our trusty contractors!), but after browsing the website, I am confident that the Student Design Agency could have completed the project for a couple hundred. But the Pentagon presumably has money to spare; after all, in 2005, there were only 24 countries whose GDPs were greater than the DOD's budget. Nonetheless, it is an insult to both taxpayers and members of the armed forces that such a large amount of money was spent to produce a website that probably wouldn't even hold the attention of the monkeys who provide its sound effects.

One has to believe that the bureaucrats who conceived the "That Guy" campaign had the safety of military servicemen and women in mind. No American would deny that the DOD should be doing all that it can to ensure the wellbeing of those individuals courageous enough to enlist. But considering how focused the military seems to be on ensuring that those on the front lines are safe and well-behaved, it is remarkable how poorly some combat veterans have been treated on our own soil.

I'm referring to the neglect scandal at Walter Reed Army Medical Center that The Washington Post broke last month. I'll recount some of the facts about the scandal for those who, like me, haven't caught up on domestic happenings this semester. It turns out that despite the remarkable ability of military doctors and surgeons to save a patient's life soon after an injury has been sustained, the outpatient care for the almost 700 soldiers at Walter Reed who are between the stages of initial treatment and release is so terrible that the wife of one soldier-turned-patient remarked that "If Iraq don't kill you, Walter Reed will."

Yet amid the missed appointments and mishaps that characterize the situation that these outpatients face, they all — including the many amputees — must line up in formation daily at 7 a.m. Not surprisingly, the soldiers see this attempt to enforce military order in a disorderly military hospital as condescending. Like the "That Guy" campaign, this attempt to assure order has resulted in an insult to the dedication and steadfastness of America's military servicemen and women.

In short, the military in these two cases has lost control of the situation with humiliating and compromising results. This description, if you'll remember, parallels the Pentagon's own definition of "That Guy," minus the part about binge drinking. So what conclusions are we to draw from this? Is the DOD bureaucracy drunk on its own size and power?

Hopefully, the congressional action that has been taken since the Walter Reed situation became a major news headline will greatly improve the daily lives of the recovering outpatient soldiers. There is no reason why the same standard of efficiency that governs their units in Iraq and Afghanistan should not also govern their medical care on American soil. Meanwhile, the Pentagon has redoubled its efforts to eliminate harmful drinking in the military and plans to release a new anti-drinking website this summer. We'll have to make do with thatguy.com until then, but we might have to be drunk to find its various interactive features remotely useful and entertaining. Michael Medeiros is a freshman from Bethesda, Md. He may be reached at mmedeiro@princeton.edu.