The college tug-of-war

Going away for college is an aspect of higher education that many students look forward to, especially if the university is as special as Princeton. The sense of independence that students gain or build upon grows not only academically, but also — in many cases — socially through establishing new friendships and professional relationships. Campus life becomes a microcosm separated from the rest of the world, and for many people, this new start in life occurs with little difficulty and much welcome.

With this fresh beginning that is not necessarily limited to one's first year, however, comes the double-edged sword of how to deal with leaving home. Leaving in this sense is not a onetime event; rather, it is a continuous emotional process that, in its crudest form, provides two solutions for dealing with it. The first answer to this problem is going above and beyond to maintain ties, no matter how strong, with high school friends in particular. If the pressure that this poses seems too much, there is always the option of cutting off all ties with home in order to make the college experience all the more worthwhile, isolated and distinct.

The danger in holding on too tightly poses several complications. Doing this perhaps has the most impact on one's ability to branch out on campus and make new friends because of constant fears of having to make room for the new by replacing the old. Not only does this push away new people who are willing and eager to befriend others, it also stifles relationships with the old and replaces the separation caused by physical distance with emotional overdependence.

On the opposite end of the spectrum is the complete and utter ignorance of everything that is left behind upon arrival at college. Deliberately cutting ties with old friends is unwise because it not only exhibits a lack of loyalty and commitment, but also because no one ever knows who he or she will need later on in life.

What becomes problematic, particularly here, is the guilt that many associate with any signs of unbroken ties to pre-Princeton life, whether it is talk of high school friends or of your experiences with them. That sense of dependence on the past undermines the whole spirit, in the minds of many people, of what college life is all about. It could be the girlfriend back home who keeps a guy on the phone and stops him from going out with his friends on a regular basis or the looks of disgust that one receives when she goes into anecdotes about high school friends whose names draw blanks with college friends. Whatever it is, there is a constant tug-of-war going on between home life and campus life.

I personally have been made to feel guilty for my overdependence, in the eyes of some, on home and the people there. Being that I am only a train ride away from home in Philadelphia, I constantly feel the urge to escape there whenever I become even remotely frustrated on campus. Some people have pointed out that what I was going through was a common freshman weakness — one that I would have to learn to overcome. This guilt, coupled with my own feelings of insecurity and doubts about my independence, caused me to lean towards the notion that my world had to revolve around Princeton and that what happens at home should stay there, out of sight and mind.

All of these feelings came to a head two weeks ago, when a friend of 12 years experienced the loss of his father. My heart immediately went out to him and his family, and under normal circumstances, I would have been on the first Dinky out of campus on my way to Philadelphia. The guilt, however, began to set in as I felt that my going would be just another sign of my heavy reliance on being home and not being able to cope where I was on campus. Added to that misery was the first week of classes for the second semester, which combined to influence my decision to stay on campus. In vain, I sent flowers to the family hoping that it could help heal some of their pain and mine, yet the initial guilt I felt was no match for the impending shame I experienced upon learning that a friend as far away as Dartmouth made the trip down to attend the funeral service.

This episode taught me that the desire to thrive independently in college could easily lead to overwhelming self-involvement and selfishness. The desire to make it on your own, especially in a college setting can be so demanding that you could sacrifice what is truly important for your own insecurities. Attempting to distance yourself from home is not necessarily a bad thing; sometimes it needs to occur for you to mature and develop on your own. But, you should never feel guilty for having those ties that predate Princeton life. It is in those bonds that you have structured the foundation of most of your life. They say a plant outside of its soil cannot survive; the same holds true for the person separated from his roots. Walter Griffin is a freshman from Philadelphia, Pa. He may be reached at wkgriffi@princeton.edu.