Frist: Schiavo is 'mostly dead'

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

Former Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist '74 at a speech in Nashville on Tuesday said that he still expects Terri Schiavo, the Florida woman who died in 2005 after spending 15 years in a persistent vegetative state, to make a full and complete recovery.

"I've had the opportunity to look at the autopsy photos of Ms. Schiavo and to my standpoint as a physician, and I would be very careful before I would come forward to say this, she does not appear to be deceased," the former heart surgeon said.

Frist's decision to return to the Schiavo case has led some to speculate that the former senator is attempting to revive his moribund political career. The onetime Republican frontrunner for the 2008 presidential nomination announced late last year that he would not make a bid for the White House after realizing that no one liked him.

In his speech yesterday, which witnesses said took place in the men's room of a Red Lobster, Frist took issue with the coroner's assessment that Schiavo suffered severe, irreversible brain damage and was in fact dead.

"She's only mostly dead," Frist explained. "There is a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Mostly dead is slightly alive."

He also disagreed with the notion that Schiavo could not have led a productive life since her brain had shriveled to half its normal size, leaving her blind and unable to respond to stimuli.

"Human beings are remarkably resilient and can continue to function despite all sorts of limitations," Frist said. "For instance, I was the Senate majority leader yet people might be surprised to know that I was born without a soul."

His comments drew harsh criticism from Democratic National Committee president Howard Dean, who said that the former senator was attempting to exploit a dead woman to further his own political ambitions.

"Bill Frist doesn't want to talk about the war in Iraq or our out-of-control national deficit, so he decides to revisit an issue that the American people are sick of," said Dean, who later added, "Yeeeaaarrrhhhh!"

Not everyone disagreed with the former senator's assessment, however. Princeton Pro-Life president Alastair Edwards '08, who was playing basketball with a zygote when interviewed by The Daily Princetonian, said that Frist was one of the few people who had not given up on Schiavo.

"I think Senator Frist showed remarkable courage with his comments yesterday," Edwards said. "Our movement is about more than just respecting life. It's also about disrespecting death. By pronouncing Ms. Schiavo alive, Frist gave hope to thousands of kids across the country who secretly believe that their grandma will one day return."

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Schiavo's case set off a firestorm of controversy in early 2005 when her husband Michael petitioned the courts to have her feeding tube removed. As television crews descended on the hospice where Schiavo was being kept alive, numerous Republican politicians took to the airwaves demanding that her tube remain in place.

Speaking from the Senate floor, Frist said that he had examined video footage of Schiavo and rejected the diagnosis that she was in a persistent vegetative state.

"Vegetative? Try vivacious," he said at the time. "I just spoke with Ms. Schiavo's parents and they tell me that they have a hard time keeping up with her. With a little physical therapy, I think Ms. Schiavo will be back practicing gymnastics in no time."

The courts ultimately sided with her husband on the issue of the feeding tube and Schiavo died from dehydration on March 31, 2005.

She could not be reached for comment.