Anscombe takes off chastity belts — and everything else

This article is a part of The Daily Princetonian's annual joke issue. Don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

In the unforgiving light of Holder Hall, students crouched in the hallway and quickly stuffed their clothes into plastic grocery bags. Giggling, they hurried into the Rocky common room, where some 40 people stood around, wearing nothing but shoes.

This was no bacchanal. This was the first annual Anscombe Society naked party.

"A chaste lifestyle respects the inherent dignity of every individual as a whole person," explained Anscombe president Sam Kruxel '08. "We hope this party will prove that. We want everyone to see exactly what they're respecting — every inch of it."

A few students danced, with less body contact than normal. When a couple started making out in the back of the room, a barefoot member of the society asked them to leave.

"Look, but don't touch," Anscombe founder William Rhodes '07 warned. "Enjoy the complementarity of your bodies, but after marriage."

Many of the attendees seemed to be veterans of Anscombe events, including Miguel "Tex" Angelino '08, who was permitted to wear his signature cowboy hat and belt. Others, though, were exploring the society for the first time.

"I'm hoping these girls are just like those Catholic school girls I heard about in high school," said a sketchy mathematics grad student, clutching a clump of hair with his mitten. "I just wish there are more Asians."

Anscombe officers ejected the grad student after he said his genitalia were "topologically equivalent" to another girl's. "It's uncanny how much boobs look like eyes in situations like this," he said as he was pushed out the door.

Another student left the party after just minutes. "I like boobies as much as the next guy," he said. "But with bodies like theirs, I understand why they're chaste."

Associate Dean of Undergraduate Students Thomas Dunne said he had initially been reluctant to approve the party.

"I really had trouble believing this wouldn't turn into an orgy," Dunne said. "But the University really does trust its students, and so I gave it the go-ahead."

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Dunne's position was made more difficult by widespread denunciations by the Pride Alliance and LGBT Center.

"Of course these homophobes would have a naked party," LGBT Center director Deborah Bazarsky said. "They're just trying to reinforce gender boundaries by emphasizing the physical differences between men and women. I really find it appalling."

Rhodes had no comment except to say that Bazarsky "is reading way too much into this."

As the party broke up, Anscombe officers declared the event a success.

"It stayed down," declared a junior male, smirking.